Tag: pain

Musings of abused kids

I didn’t know genuine happiness until I lived a life without you.

We know that our abusers have at least, tried. We know that that they probably have legitimate mental health issues and a terrible past. But that doesn’t give them license to hurt the people that God entrusted them to take care of, repeatedly.

We don’t understand why sometimes you were so good and loving, but whenever there’s a minor setback, you flinch and resort to hurting the people that you were supposed to love. We grew up constantly asking if we are good enough. Did our feelings even matter? Did we do something wrong again? All this time, we learned the art of perfectly walking on eggshells because if we didn’t, we were doomed.

We would get a beating or receive verbal abuse from you the moment that you get upset. Does it feel good to throw broken glass to an already shattered heart? Did hitting us serve you well? Do you know that sleeping still doesn’t feel safe, because nightmares of you still linger?

As trautamized children we have so many questions for you abuser, but we are okay with not knowing the answer. We even second-guess if the choice that we made was right. Now that we’re grown-ups, finally away from the terrors of you, we feel warmth.

When we grew up, that’s when we realized that cutting you off was the most difficult and yet the best decision we have ever made. We didn’t know genuine happiness until we lived a life away from you. You don’t get to take credit for anything anymore because we are where we are not because of you but inspite of you. You don’t get to manipulate us anymore. We will never give you that power, ever again.

It feels good to not to live on thin ice. It feels warm to be with people who truly love and support you. This is the last letter that abused kids will ever write to you. We don’t expect any apologies, or even remorse. We are still on the process of healing, and for every brave step we take, we are proud.

This is us, children of traumatized past, finally letting go.

Girls, it’s time to stop blaming the guys.

Here is a story that happens to every girl and most of the time, is repeated over and over again. Boy meets girl. They strike up a conversation. The guy and girl suddenly felt that there was ‘something.’ They wanted to spend a lot of time together. So, they did. Late night phone calls, walks by the beach, road trips, movies, just name it. They fell in the spiral of love and in one split second, things went south. Either one of them got afraid, and took a step back.

The girl would then be confused. What happened? Is there something wrong with me? Or sometimes the other way around. The girl blames the guy. This usually happens. Then, there’s hate, harsh words, and worse, revenge.

Let me tell you why you should stop blaming either yourself or the guy.

As human beings, it is our nature to long for connection. For women, this is more obvious because we are wired to nurture and love. If you’re wondering why you are having this longing, it’s because number one: you are human, and number two: you are a woman. We were magnificently designed to love. Giving love is in our DNA.  Loving is not a mistake. It is what we were born to do.

However, since we are humans who grow up in different settings, we act because of our past conditioning. That is what screws up our capacity to love. Let me give you an example, if you grow up without a father, or with a dad who is absent in most parts of your life, you’d probably crave the love of a guy at an early age. It is a case to case basis for everyone. Our upbringing defines our longing.

Since you are wired to feel and do things based on your past experiences, if you’re not aware of it, it will affect how you behave in a relationship.

Humans have a search for wholeness. We feel empty. We think that the emptiness can be filled with material things, or a romantic relationship. For a lot of women, they think that when they find this perfect guy, everything will be okay. But it won’t. Life doesn’t work that way. You’re not supposed to put that much pressure on one guy. Your happiness is your responsibility, not anybody else’s.

Society and media shows us every day that if you will meet ‘the one’ things will be awesome. It will, at first. He will sweep you off your feet, and you will live happily ever after.

That is one big, uh oh.

The moment you assume that happiness comes from anywhere outside of you, you are up for disaster. Why? Because anything outside of you can disappear. Whether it’s money, a title, or your shoes. If it’s a guy, he can leave you anytime.

When you meet someone and it’s all so consuming, he acts as your drug. It’s like an addiction that keeps you awake at night. You can’t eat properly. You do these stupid things that you wouldn’t do if not for him. He gives you a high. But what happens to drug addicts when you take away their drug. They get withdrawal symptoms, affecting their physical and mental well-being. It is the same for some relationships. Some people sadly, end up killing themselves when a person that they attached their happiness to, leaves.

If for some reason you broke up, stop the blame. Just, stop.

There is a season for everything, even in love, winter, spring, summer, and fall exists. You have reached your autumn. It’s painful but you have to go through it. You have to feel it. Ending things doesn’t mean that your relationship or whatever you had is a failure. You learned and hopefully, he did too. After the winter, there’s always spring. Experience the cold and the dark because there is no other way but through.

Now, love yourself. It’s amazing how many things you’ll get to discover when you shift your focus to taking care of yourself.

Make yourself a priority. Stop looking for happiness. Start feeling that which has always been inside you all along, your own joy. Explore your creativity. Do the things you feel drawn to. Be pulled by your curiosity and follow it. You might just be surprised by how much beauty, love, and grace is already inside you. They just waited for you to notice that they were there all along.

Most of all, forgive yourself and accept the present, may it be good or bad. Then, act from that place of acceptance. When your cup is full, and it’s spilling with love, that’s the sign that you can give. Fill your own cup first and whatever’s overflowing that’s what you can give out. Only by that, can you be happy. You can’t give what you don’t have, so make it a priority to fill your own heart with love before giving love to anybody else.

Blaming the guy is not the answer, loving yourself is. So to the girl who’s reading this, quit the blame game and go love yourself. If you are lucky, there’s a guy who will see just how radiant and full of joy you are. And if you don’t find that guy, it’s okay, because in the end, what you have is what you exactly need, and it’s already there.

A Prose for the Hurting

Sometimes you wake up less grateful than you should be

Seeing more of the disappointments that this life has struck you

Sometimes you get tired of being who you are

Strength is inconsistent though you try you still fall down

You may shed a tear or two or utter curse words

You may go back to your cave and shut everybody out

But please let yourself be because sometimes this is what you need

To lock yourself in your world and not give a damn

Sweet girl embrace yourself and be okay with what you’re feeling

You are not bad, it’s okay, being weak is part of living

Pain urges to be felt and feel it you must

Crying makes you human, always remember that

Sleep dear child and let it wear off

There’s another day, another chance, a promise for pain to fade out

I know that you’re tired of living like this

But hey, there’s the sun, the moon, and stars how much more does it take?

The beauty of this world is enough to face the day

Cheer up, maybe stars will align someday

And when that moment comes you will smile and say

Thank God I stood up, thank God I lived up to this day.