Admitting Addictions

Do you have an addiction?

An addiction can be anything. It could be drugs, alcohol, sex, binge watching, social media, or food. It can even be as mundane as nail biting or as weird as eating your hair.

As for me I have recently learned that I had addictive patterns. I was addicted to scrolling through social media, binge watching, worst case scenario thinking, beating myself up (mentally), and eating. Believe me, these addictive patterns has caused me a lot of missed opportunities and major life mistakes.

Any addiction is bad. Period.

It doesn’t do any good to your physical and mental well-being. But first you must understand that an addictive pattern has a source. People who are addicted to drugs, smoking, and alcohol has that same feeling when we get addicted to something. They can’t get off it until they had awareness, and a one on one talk with the discomfort that they are trying to avoid.

Sometimes we even wonder if we are the problem. Maybe you think it’s impossible. You’ve probably asked why can’t you stop yourself from grabbing that next bar of chocolate? Or why are you so hooked to a TV drama that you totally forget about your deadlines?

Every addiction has a source. As my spirituality mentor Gabby Bernstein says, there is a feeling underneath any addiction. We get addicted to something for a lot of reasons and usually it is to escape from a feeling.

You are not alone in this addictive behavior. So far, I have dealt with my social media, binge watching, overthinking, and self-beating addictions. Currently, I am in the process of healing my food addiction. I still am praying and researching about how I can overcome my love and hate relationship with food.

To the few who are reading this blog, know that you are not alone. Everybody deals with an addiction, whatever that addiction is.

I will be writing about how I overcame my unhealthy addictive patterns and I hope that you will be here with me. Let us support each other to be our most authentic selves.

I’m here. I’ll listen.

A Letter to my Anxious Friend

Dear anxious friend,

I’ve heard that you are feeling helpless and exhausted. I’ve learned that you are tired of it all and terrified of the future. First of all, I want you to know that I am giving you my virtual hugs and that I am here for you.

Why do you worry so much about what’s ahead? Why do you always think that you’re doomed? Why don’t you just play?

Do you find yourself overwhelmed with the work that you have to do and the responsibilities attached to you? Maybe you do. But I wrote this letter to remind you that you don’t need to think about the future all the time. Plan out your life. Have a vision. But please don’t miss the point of living. Experience it. Play.

I know that sometimes things can be overwhelming and you just want to escape the chaos that is ‘your life’. But I want you to know that you just have to think about today. Think only about today.

Are you breathing? Is your heart beating?

Then you’re alright. You are just fine. You are going to be okay. Face the world with a playful heart and the lightness of a feather. Your day is not supposed to be suffering after suffering. Sometimes it seems like it’s like that. But believe me, it isn’t and it doesn’t have to.

Just look around you. Do you have a family that loves you, or a best friend that is always there to the rescue? If you’ve got even just one, then relax. You have more than enough to be fine.

If you’re looking around and what you see are your friends who seem like they got it all together, then it’s time to calm down. Breathe. We’re not in a race. It’s not about who becomes the richest or who has traveled the world most. Define success in your own terms.

Some people dream of living in the city and busting their ass in their work, while others dream of a calm, free, and peaceful life. Maybe you dream of living on a mountain. Who cares? It’s your life. If they’re doing big things it doesn’t mean that you are a failure. You are the painter of your own masterpiece. You decide what is the best life possible for you, no matter how big or small that is.

You do you.

Today you are okay. That’s all that matters. Only for today love. When you find yourself worrying, just place your hand on your heart, feel your breath and your heartbeat. If you can still feel it then that means you are just fine.

Listen to the true sound of your soul. Filter the noise. Live life in your own terms. Fly high or low, it doesn’t matter. You just have to be the most authentic you. That will always be enough.

Love,

Katey

Life Pledge

To be a light in this world

To give kindness to anyone I meet

To be of service to humanity

To love and be a physical manifestation of love

To understand instead of judge

To be more loving, kind, and, compassionate

To forgive myself for my shortcomings

To be okay with being imperfect

To improve every single day

To help a person in need in any way that I can

To acknowledge the pain

To change when there is a need to

To be a witness to my thoughts instead of being my thoughts

To work harder

To smile as much as possible

To be a cheerleader for others

To be passionate in my work

To recognize the significance of my existence

To realize how fleeting life is

To accept what can’t be changed

To be honest with my truth

To see things through other people’s lenses

To be joyous in small victories

To see life as a journey

To unleash my highest potential

To be in the moment

To be a vessel of a power greater than any of us

To be.

Of Being a Love Warrior

Today’s post is very timely with what’s happening in the world. This is a way, personally, for me to release the sadness that I’ve been feeling. Two days ago, our Supreme Court’s decision regarding the late President Marcos’ burial was released. A brief Philippine history background here, he was a famous dictator. For some reason that up until now, my brain couldn’t fathom, they agreed on burying his remains at the Libingan ng mga Bayani (Cemetery for Philippine Heroes). Inhale. Exhale. That was news number one.

Then yesterday, Donald Trump won the presidency in the recent US elections. Again, inhale, exhale. I can give you a million reasons why these events are affecting me emotionally. I know that it will affect Filipinos so much. There’s no need to elaborate how, but it definitely will. This is not just about my countrymen, but for every race that has faced discrimination, simply because of their color.

I was affected because, I am afraid. I feel the energy of separation and this vibe could cause a cascade of events that could either make or break the world’s history. I dream of a world wherein people don’t judge you because of your color or your gender. Martin Luther King fought for black lives with all his heart to give the freedom that many men and women of color were yearning for.

I am afraid of history being twisted and planted to our children. We may feel a sense of freedom right now, but do you know how we got here? We fight for democracy so much and yet it seems like we’re taking a step backward.

These events are happening right now. But, if there’s one thing that we shouldn’t dive into, it is being too caught up with this whole political fiasco up to the point that we are stirring negativity. Hate is an energy that we must not cultivate. Therefore, let’s accept what has happened and take control of what we can. We are in a democracy after all, and part of this system is, respecting the decision of the majority.

Let us ask the right questions and stop being fault finders. The question for us is, “how do we, as global citizens, grow from this?”. Should we just let it be? Should we just be okay with hate and separation? No. Never in this lifetime will apathy solve anything.

Despite all these external noise, let’s go back to the core. Let us let love guide our decisions. I was having quite a bit of a heated conversation a while ago with a workmate who has a different take on the recent events. Still, I paused and asked myself, if this is the kind of energy I would like to release in the universe. I went back to my core. Nope, this is not.

We need awareness especially at these times. We have to constantly monitor the kind of energy that we are emitting. Is it coming from a place of love or fear? I still feel the fear. But whenever it arises, I ask for guidance, that I may not be lost in this political whirlwind, that my fear wouldn’t overpower the love that is inside me.

We need to speak and act our truth. Most importantly, we need to go back to our essence of love, compassion, and kindness. We need to be united more than ever to spread this message to every person that we meet. We need to be fierce love warriors.

We don’t fight to be right, we fight for awakening.

Clarity

Have you ever felt like your life was like a repetitive cycle of failures? Or maybe you were so anxious because nothing exciting was happening or maybe the same problems kept on slamming you again and again. Let me guess, you even thought that you were a problem magnet.

I longed for an answer for the curse that I seemingly had. How can other people be happy, while I cannot. Or at least for me, happiness was fleeting. I felt like I had to savor the happy moments because if I don’t, I’ll miss out on that happy bubble and then it’ll pop and it would probably take a long time before that same bubble reappears.

If you’re at that place, please read on.

The moment you accept that you are not what happens to you, that is the start of your wonderful journey in this world. The reason why many people are miserable, getting addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, and TV is because we keep on looking for the solution outside of ourselves. We think that if we possess all these material stuff, happiness is automatic and it’ll be there to stay. But, look at all these celebrities, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and Elvis Presley, they can have anything they want in this world. People love them. But why did they die of drug overdose? It’s because they kept on finding love outside of themselves.

The way to a fulfilled life is to know who you are. You must first have a sense of clarity of who you are in the first place. Who are you? You want to know the answer?

You are love.

Yep, you were born out of love. From your first breath, everything about you is love. That is your original design. You are a physical manifestation of love. But why are there so many depressed people? It’s because things that were happening outside of them shaped them to be a survival machine, and along the road, they forgot who they were. I’m writing this to tell you that no matter what mistakes you made, failures, or traumatic experience you’ve had, from the beginning, you are love.

When it’s clear to you, life is gonna be like a fairy tale. It’s a magical experience. There will be ups and downs but still, you have this stillness inside. At the core, you know that no matter how chaotic your outside is, you will be okay. You know that your mission in this world is to radiate whatever it is that is already inside you. This jaded world cannot ever steal your sunshine. You will be part of this universe’s flow. You are one with the universe, and not against its natural rhythm.

If only more people realize this simple but powerful truth, believe me a massive change will happen. We will stop hating and fighting each other. We will lift humanity and truly make this world a wonderful place to live. Start with yourself. Every time a heated situation or a challenge comes, speak these words, “I am love.”

Flashback

Dear ex love of my life,

A few days ago, I checked your Facebook account. We’re not Facebook friends anymore. I erased you out of my life. I erased all the chances of us talking, although I know you never tried (haha). I saw your cover photo, it’s a picture of you with your new girl. I’d be a hypocrite if I say that I didn’t feel a pinch of hurt. Here you are again, making someone feel like a princess until that girl knows who you really are.

I also felt like a complete fool, again. Because until now, I become more and more convinced that what we had was nothing to you. I was just the girl who was there at the most down moment of your life. I fixed you. And when you were fixed, you just threw me like some old model of a gadget that doesn’t serve a purpose for you anymore.

I know that there’s no more use in dwelling and repeatedly questioning myself. I was just a rebound, a pawn in a chess game that was dispensable for you to win. My feelings didn’t matter as long as you were happy. I didn’t expect this scar to hurt, because as far as I know, they don’t hurt when the wound has healed completely. But maybe then there’s no total recovery from you. Maybe I have to live with this feeling of betrayal, of losing to a player like you. God, I hate losing.

I don’t want to think of seeing you again. In fact, I hope that last time you drove me to the MRT station was our last memory. At least there was a bit of concern from you that one time.

I hope you’re happy. I hope you don’t hurt her the way you did to me. I hope you don’t leave her feeling less of herself. I hope you make her so happy that she won’t ever think that you’re capable of hurting someone so much.

I guess I have to live with these questions while waiting for what’s in it for me in this world. I just learned that I have to put myself first above anyone else. And maybe, if God gives me a chance to love again, I know that I have to keep a part of my heart to myself.