feminism – Slow living MD

Of big dreams and the boxes they put us in

You have every right to soar as high as you want, so don’t let anyone take away that fire because that has a reason for existing.

Have you ever been criticized because of how crazy big your dreams are? To be honest, us dreamers are often called insane. For a little bit of back story, I grew up as a small town girl surrounded by poverty. I often heard comments from older people, often relatives, saying “Masyadong mataas pangarap nyan (her dreams are too high).” I didn’t understand what was wrong with dreaming of a more comfortable life, one wherein you don’t have to worry whether there will be enough money to buy dinner or whether you will have allowance for the next few weeks. I just simply wanted a better life for me and my family. I clearly saw how opportunities are more available for those who have the resources.

I also wanted to help people so bad. I’d get really sad when I see kids who are begging for money on the streets and I don’t have even a penny to give them. I see farmers who work so hard but still it’s not enough to provide for their children. I even had insomnia as early as fourth grade because I couldn’t fathom how hard life is for us, and worse, for the people who don’t have jobs and education and money to afford food. I am often heartbroken when I think of how to help when I don’t even have enough for myself.

I figured out that the only way to end the cycle of poverty is to break free from the boxes that I was put in from the moment I was born, if I were to elevate the lives of others who are in need. Here are the ten boxes that I was put in and how I constantly worked and still am working to break free from them. If you can resonate, feel free to comment below.

1. I will end up like my parents who married early and so they became poor.
First off, I do not judge my parents for marrying early. If not for their eloping, I wouldn’t even exist (lol). Do I support those decisions? No. But, change it? I can’t because it’s in the past. Even as a young kid, since all of my siblings are girls, we have always been given the golden advice, “Do not be like your parents who married early.” “Do not get pregnant early.” Okay, that’s fine, I appreciate the concern, but when you’ve been told these unsolicited advice from the same people ever since you started thinking, it gets really old. It gets too repetitive and it annoys you. My parents tried their best. They made a mistake, but then went on with their lives, and so people should move on from that. Just because their marriage failed, it doesn’t mean that those things will happen to us. So if you’re kids of teenage parents, who have been constantly bombarded with this kind of advice, just keep studying and learning and don’t mind them. You have the power to live the way you want to and actively chase a future that you desire. And besides, even if you make mistakes, you’re the one who will deal with it, not them. Just because these stories are repeatedly said to you, that doesn’t mean that the same thing will happen to you.

2. Girls aren’t supposed to be too smart.
It’s good when you are smart, but when you are too smart, you will be bashed. I have an uncle who consistently smart-shamed me and my siblings. For instance, he told me that just because my siblings and I studied in a top university that doesn’t mean that we are good people. It’s so toxic, right? I was even surprised that this patriarchal uncle of ours would even bring that up just because I was defending myself when he was about to physically hurt me. He gets so annoyed whenever any of us kids speak up because children, especially girls, are not supposed to say anything when the oldies are talking. I never heard them be proud of our achievements. Actually, I never even cared, but of course when they do things that would harm us, we have to speak up, and tell them a resounding, “No, you don’t get to treat us this way.” When girls start speaking up when they’re uncomfortable in any situation, or when they achieve a lot and have a mind of their own, why do they get smart-shamed? Why don’t we honor the hardwork and persistence of girls? Why do some men get threatened when a woman slays? You can be smart, badass, confident, compassionate, and kind at the same time. You can be relentless in your passion. You can and must speak up when someone threatens your peace or shames you for being a smart and hardworking human being. You have every right to soar as high as you want, so don’t let anyone take away that fire because that has a reason for existing, okay?

3. I should wear conservative clothes if I don’t want to be raped.
There’s a reason why we evolved as humans. We have the power to control our carnal desires. Sadly, I haven’t met a woman who hasn’t been harrassed ever in her life. We start getting objectified the moment we were born. I couldn’t wear what I want because someone would always say I’m too fat, or my clothes are too fit or too sexy. I’m constantly told that I will be harassed if I wear clothes that flatter my plus size curvy body. Why is it our fault that some humans are just pure evil? I will not stop wearing clothes that express myself and makes me feel powerful and confident whether it’s a sweater or sexy shorts. We tell the world that we are stopping this whole story of women adjusting to the preferences of men. We get to choose our clothes. We dress for ourselves and not for men. Fashion is our creative expression.

4. I should downplay my achievements.
As women we work extra hard because we already have to prove ourselves based on the biological sex we were born with. I didn’t understand why when I was dating, everything would be magical until they learned about my achievements and deep passion for tons of things. I have been ghosted and cheated on just because I was “too much.” And for a while, I believed these men. I thought I should be shy and quiet because I’m a woman. Somehow, having achieved a couple of things worked against my romantic relationships. It took a while for me to understand that there was nothing wrong with me, it was just that society has set a standard that men should be dominant over women. Wives must submit to their husbands and so women aren’t allowed to achieve more than their partners, because their ego will be crushed. We were told to please men and adjust to their desires even if it goes against our values. It stops now. Honor your hardwork and be proud of your accomplishments. The right partner will be proud of you and won’t shame you for your intellect and power. The right partner will support you to reach for the stars. Never play small, my love. Take space.

5. I am not allowed to have opinions because I am young.
Wisdom doesn’t always come with age. Just watch the news and look at the political circus. These are old people who clearly are allergic to wisdom or feedback. You will see five-year olds throwing tantrums and worse, these people are leading countries. So the moment that I realized that there are amazing adults and there are just terrible ones, I knew that age does not equate to wisdom. So even if I was young in my workplace, I suggested ideas, and expressed my opinions with utmost respect. It was not up to me if they will listen or not, but I have to share my perspective, because who knows who might need it? Practice your freedom of speech, but in a kind and respectful way. You are allowed to think and have opinions and express them. Just note that whatever you say would have consequences and you have to deal with them. Be extra brave. The world needs more of that.

6. I should tolerate being abused.
This box has haunted me for so many years and until now, I am still healing from the wounds of childhood trauma. When people, especially kids, experience abuse, it distorts their soul. For a long time, I didn’t know that I was abused until I stepped back and totally disconnected myself from this person. Always remember that love is supposed to make you feel free and safe. No one deserves to be shouted at, thrown objects at, and get physically abused. If you are in such environment, please be brave and have courage to ask for help because there are people who will help you. If you find yourself walking on thin ice, and rationalizing abusive acts, that is your sign to walk away and do everything to make your heart feel at ease. There are safe places for you.

7. I should dream small.
Success means different things for everyone. To some, it would mean, tons of money or a thriving career. Others would define success as having peace and being with the people they love. Bottomline is, we have different definitions of success. However, one message that I heard as I was growing up was not to dream too much because you’ll end up disappointed when you don’t get them. I totally understand these sentiments. But please hear me out before you decide on not pursuing your dreams. You only have one life. Who knows what will happen to our consciousness once we’re gone. So, isn’t it exciting to spend that short life, chasing and living your passion? Would you be happy on your deathbed with a long list of what-ifs? So no matter how big or small your dreams are, that’s not the point. The question that we must ask ourselves is are we willing to be brave enough to work hard for that thing that makes you come alive? Always remember that you don’t need to have it all figured out to move forward, you just have to take one step and then another and then another. It’s also not about the end goal my love, it’s about the journey, and how you are evolving along the process. Spend your short life, wisely.

8. Medschool is expensive, a poor girl can’t do that.
This is a story that I have repeatedly told myself. If you have been following my blog, you would know that I gave up way before I knew what God’s plans for me were. Everybody said that it will cost a lot, and I realized that it’s true because our family’s drowning in debt, and I couldn’t just let them starve so that I can pursue my passion. I lived in a lack mentality back then. However, the moment that I surrendered control and just let things flow, blessings just kept on coming. I wrote a pact with the universe and it goes like this, “Hey universe, I have these big dreams deeply planted in my heart and for some unknown voodoo reason, I just can’t shake it off. But the thing is, there are bills to pay and siblings who are in highschool and college. I did my best already and I will keep on trying, so please, if you can’t stop this inner voice that wants me to be a doctor, then I’ll just trust that wherever you are taking me, is where I’m supposed to be. I’m okay with whatever the outcome is.” I prioritized our needs and just surrendered everything to a power that is way bigger than my circumstances. And just like that, the right people came. A person approached and volunteered to pay for my tuition fee and my siblings got in good jobs which is enough for our famiily’s basic needs. When people learned about my story, help just kept on coming, and that started more than two years ago. Again, I used to be a cynical person who didn’t believe in genuine kindness, and who grew up in a situation of lack. But my inner child just kept on whispering, and I now can finally say, “I do believe in magic.” There are stars which are seemingly to high to reach, they burn so bright and it will scare you. But good people exist, even in this unfair and confusing world, kindness and humanity exists. Medschool is expensive but a poor girl can do that as long as she keeps on working hard and trusting the process.

9. When dating, choose men with money.
Again, this belief is an effect of being in a patriarchal society. Money is a tool. It can buy you a house, some nice shoes, and a beautiful car. I was a big fan of working hard in order to get rich. Again, please, don’t get me wrong, I love money. However, I guess many of us women, have been taught that we should look at a man’s wallet when entertaining a potential partner. I think this is such a messed up belief. I think we should be a financially thriving woman on our own and if a man pursues you, look at his values. Does he respect you? Does he have goals? Is he lazy? Is he kind? Does he believe and support you not just in words but in action? Does he add more fulfillment in your life? Is he open-minded? Does he inspire you to be the best that you can be? And the one big question, “If I run into an accident and I become quadriplegic, will this guy take care of me?” Look at the end game. Choose someone that can weather the storms with you, someone who will not be disgusted to change your diapers when you’re old. Choose a person with a genuine soul because you can earn money through hardwork but you don’t just bump into good men. Treat men as icing on a cake. You are the cake, you’re sweet and yummy on its own, the icing and cherry on top just makes it better.

10. I am not enough.
Have you ever been to a family gathering and suddenly you hear an aunt say, “Hey, you got fat.” Maybe someone commented on your physical appearance, or how you dress. I know some women who are pressured to look good even though they are tired because of academics or child care. Maybe you’ve even counted calories to the point of insanity or tried fad diets that ended up making you sick. Why do we even do that? It seems like there’s a looming voice that tells us that we are not enough, that we need to buy this to look pretty or take this pill to lose weight. Where is this even coming from? It’s high time that we break free from the impossible standards of being a woman with a thriving career, a perfect body, a beautiful family, and all that bullshit of balance. We are enough just by being who we are and we are allowed to be a work in progress. We are allowed to look unpretty. We can admit that we aren’t the perfect daughters or mothers, or that we have it all together all the time. We are enough. You are enough. I try my best to be more self-aware in instances wherein I start retelling the story that I should be good at this by now, I should have done this. I should be prettier, smarter, or more balanced. I try my best to unlearn the stories that I have absorbed from the environment that I was born in. So, it’s okay. Being flawed is okay. You are amazing, exacly as you are.

Let’s break free from the boxes that we initially had no control over. Let’s trust that our heart is leading us to the right place because maybe when we are free, that’s when we can move from a place of authenticity. I know that you probably have different boxes. But together, we can break free from them, or even better, forget that they exist in the first place.

This is for my bossy girls

We don’t stop just because a patriarchal society is what we were born into. We educate ourselves and then we share it to others by teaching them or by expressing ourselves through our lives and through our art.

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel. It is difficult to navigate life when you’re in a world wherein you’re expected to be submissive and quiet, even when it doesn’t feel good anymore. I don’t blame the people who has laughed at me when I say a lot of things. I just knew deep within that I have loads of ideas and I have a gift for seeing the big picture even as a young kid. I knew that I was set to be a leader the moment that I learned how to walk on my own feet.

I always wanted to be the owner of the house in bahay-bahayan (house). I want to be the teacher when we play school. I was the manager of Santa Claus’s factory when it’s December and we have to make gifts for the kids. I was a pain to my playmates. They just want to play and I freaking take everything seriously. Everything should be in order and should be executed at just the right time.

I didn’t want to act in school plays. I want to write and direct them. I would be the President of every possible school club and I’d get upset when I see an event that could have been handled better if I were the leader. I guess leadership aka the “Bossy Gene” is intricately sequenced in my DNA.

It wasn’t an easy path though. I didn’t understand why when a boy starts speaking, some of my teachers would listen more. When it was my turn to speak, and I’ll speak honestly and with conviction I was called bossy and Miss “May I say something.” This went on until I went away from home and studied in UP. I was actually surprised because in that school, I wasn’t called bossy anymore. I was told by my friends that I have “leadership skills.” Wow, that was a major reframe. All this time I thought there was really something wrong with me. I thought I was too opinionated, too know-it-all or too smart to my own demise. Finally, I did belong.

I started to look at things differently and I was able to truly express myself because I was far away from the people who tagged me as a stubborn, know-it-all girl. It took a long time to unlearn what has been constantly ingrained in my mind as a girl surrounded by traditional patriarchal values. I started wearing the clothes that I like, short shorts, sleeveless, swimsuits, and fitting clothes weren’t scary to wear anymore. I speak up in graded recitations because most of my professors are open-minded and accepting to new ideas that comes from students. I lead events and organizations, I danced, I explored my spirituality. I felt free.

It turns out, I had no problem at all. I was just stuck in an environment that didn’t allow me to grow. I didn’t realize that I was in a box and so when I got out of my comfort zone, I discovered who I am. I was an active, positive, and friendly person. I learned that there’s nothing wrong with being bossy. It was just most of the people from where I am weren’t exposed to feisty women who are unafraid to express their opinions. I also learned how to say things with respect, without compromising my beliefs. I learned that how you see yourself and how you genuinely feel about yourself matters way more than the opinions of your aunts and uncles.

I was able to enjoy life and maintain boundaries with those who destroy my peace. I discovered what I really wanted to do with my life and how I’ll do it.

To the bossy girl reading this, it will be tough and we have a lot of work to do to shift the mindset of the people around us. You will be called a lot of names and sometimes you might even believe them. Please always have the understanding that the people you encounter can only meet you from where they’re coming from. This is why we have to teach children the right values and expose them to feminism at a young age.

This can be exhausting. But we don’t stop just because a patriarchal society is what we were born into. We educate ourselves and then we share it to others by teaching them or by expressing ourselves through our lives and through our art. We stop looking at being bossy as something negative. We start calling ourselves ambitious and spiritually awake women with outstanding leadership skills.

We don’t stay silent just because we are expected to be a Maria Clara aka conservative Filipinas. We express who we are and share our opinions even when some men get uncomfortable because of how fearless we are. We change the world by first changing ourselves and we should always remember that you cannot tell people what to do. You just roll your sleeves and show them how it’s done.

Dear ladies, please read this before dating.

Before diving in a relationship, you need to have something that keeps that fire in your heart burning. Work on your personal and professional goals. Keep on living the best life possible by following your bliss.

You are a strong and independent woman. I bet you got a lot of dreams and you’re probably successful or on your way to shake the world. I am so proud of you woman so just keep on slaying. However, maybe in the relationship department, things are not quite falling into place. You’ve probably dated and for some reason, it just doesn’t work out. Maybe you’ve been single since forever, which is totally awesome, but you want to experience being in a conscious and fulfilling relationship. If these scenarios ring a bell, then please read on.

1. First, be honest with yourself.
How do you get the partner of your dreams? Does that entity even exist? Well, I want you to free yourself from all your previous beliefs and be totally honest. Do you want a partner or not? Either way is okay because it’s your life so you do you. Do not get into a relationship because of society’s pressures or worries of getting old and alone in your deathbed. You have to ask yourself if being in a relationship is something that you want. If it’s not yet clear for you, then I highly suggest dating. My favorite life coach, Marie Forleo always says, “Clarity comes from engagement not thought.” Go on dating apps, parties, and events and just test the waters. This will improve your social skills, and the more you get into it, you’ll have more data to analyze. You’ll know what are your likes and dislikes, then you can make an objective decision if being partnered up is for you or not.

2. Work on your own issues.
I hear many girls who want to have a boyfriend who will be a knight in shining armor and save them from distress. They think having “the one” will cure their insecurities. As early as now, please stop this toxic mindset. Take responsibility for your self-esteem. You have to fully love and appreciate yourself because it’s not your partner’s job to make you feel good all the time. Make a list of things you’re insecure about. What brings you down? Lay your emotional baggage and consciously work on them. You can do journalling, workouts, attend seminars or make art. Heal yourself so that you won’t project your issues to your future partner. Remember that your partner will not be your savior, you are your own savior. He’s going to be there to hold your hand while you both face this chaotic world, but he’s under no obligation to do everything and be everything for you.

3. Be willing to openly communicate.
There’s probably a lot of us who are guilty of stonewalling or being passive aggressive whenever conflict arises whether it’s with friends or family. If you are this type of person, I suggest that you get out of your comfort zone and work on your communication skills. Unless your partner’s a mind reader, then you don’t have to do this. But as far as I know, no one can read another person’s mind. Practice the art of open communication to your friends and family, so that when you’re in a relationship, there will be less friction. You can work on challenges with less turbulence because conscious partners will reciprocate what energy you’re putting on the table. Your significant other will feel safe with you when you are willing to be honest and vulnerable to them.

4. Have your own source of fulfillment.
This is very important because if you’re not careful, you might just make your partner the center of your universe. You might depend your happiness in his feelings or the way he treats you. Before diving in a relationship, you need to have something that keeps that fire in your heart burning. Work on your personal and professional goals. Keep on living the best life possible by following your bliss. Your partner is like the frosting on a cake. He is someone who makes the cake taste good, although the cake can be eaten on its own. You have to be happy as an individual so that you won’t fall into the trap of codependency.

5. Know your non-negotiables and core values.
Think about the future for a second. Are there kids? Is religion a big part of your life? Is it okay if your partner drinks or smokes? Is cheating forgivable? Draw crystal clear boundaries because it will prevent major heartbreaks. Do not expect that your partner’s beliefs will change or that you can sway how your partner thinks or behaves just because you’re together. Have a filtering system so that you won’t end up fighting constantly. Remember that this person is a possible spouse, at least for me that’s my purpose when I date, so you need to accept the person’s flaws as well. Lay it on the table early on because even if you love the person so much, if your core values are different, it won’t work or it might, but the relationship will end up draining you.

How about you, do you have any advice that you can share to women who are looking for a significant other? I am very interested in knowing your take on this. I dream of a world where women are helping each other out and being in this together because you are special and you deserve happiness in any form.

Dear ladies, it’s okay.

In a patriarchal world, it is possible to carve your own path. You are not here to please people, you are here to fully express who you are and be successful in your own right.

Women are just amazing creatures, period. We are basically a bunch of superhumans who are expected to be multitaskers by default. We see burnout moms, who try to be everything to everyone. We see young girls who try so hard to fit in a box just to feel seen and accepted. We see career driven women who get shamed for being too much. If you have ever felt like this, then read on woman because this is for you.

It’s okay to wear or not wear make-up.
Growing up, it seems like beauty has been a big deal everywhere you go. There’s an expectation for women to always look pretty. You’ve had a ton of exams, so it’s okay to look like a mess. You just lost someone, so it’s fine to not put your make up on when you go out. If make up makes you feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to wear one. Just get out and be in your most comfortable state. Whether that means wearing a red lipstick or not, it’s fine. As long as you are comfortable in your skin, then you’re good.

It’s okay to speak up and be heard.
You probably have been in situations wherein you are expected to just submit to men. From uncles who scold their wives to workmates who cut you off because you’re a girl, I’m quite sure you can name a lot more. Who else hasn’t experienced being with a man-splaining douchebag? So woman, remember this, your opinion matters and if there’s no seat for you on the table, then make your own table. If anyone is trying to silence you because you’re wearing pink or because you’re too “hormonal”, tell them to screw off, because this woman has a brain and what she’s saying matters.

It’s okay to be smart.
We are so afraid of saying the wrong thing so we choose to be silent. We downgrade our intelligence because we don’t want to shake a man’s ego. This is such a disservice to yourself and your god-given talents. Never play dumb or silent just to keep the peace. Say what you want to say. Slay. You’re smart so just show it off. Do you think they care about not sounding smart enough? They don’t. Roll up your sleeves and show them how badass you are. Show the men how it is when the woman does the job.

It’s okay to wear a bikini.
Stop waiting for that day when you don’t have rolls or stretchmarks before you start enjoying life. Every flaw and scar is a part of your pure awesomeness. There’s the beach and you have your body, so that’s a beach body. If you really want to wear a bikini, wear one. Enjoy the sun. Life is too short to care about what people are going to say.

It’s okay to call someone out on their BS.
So someone is disrespecting you, call them out. Whether it’s family, a colleague, a friend, tell them when they are crossing your boundaries. You should never let anyone treat you like crap because you know what? You are a child of God, so does a child of God deserve to be sweared and shouted at? No. It just takes five seconds of bravery to call out a bully.

It’s okay to not love cooking.
They say women are meant to stay in the kitchen. But let’s be honest, some women, never enjoy that and they don’t get why they’re expected to. If you love to cook, then hurray, good for you because you found something you love to do. But if you don’t then it’s fine too. As long as you can cook basic dishes when you’re hungry and as long as your kids are fed, then you don’t have to be passionate about cooking just because you’re a woman. Do it because you love it, not because you are expected to be good at it.

It’s okay to not be skinny.
Humans have unique bodies. You are not supposed to fit in this box that says only skinny girls are pretty. You are beautiful whatever your size is. Stop forcing yourself to be skinny to the expense of your mental well-being. Love the body you’re in and keep it healthy, by having enough sleep, regular exercise, and eating nutritious food. That body is your vessel to do all the amazing things that you are set to do. Stop criticizing it, start loving it.

It’s okay to be emotional.
If you just study a woman’s menstrual cycle, you’ll understand why you will feel crazy sometimes. Just imagine a cauldron filled with spices that don’t get along, That’s what happens. Estrogen and progesterone rises. Luteinizing hormone peaks, then it drops suddenly and slowly rises. This happens to us on a monthly basis and every change has its own chemical reaction. So yeah, it’s true, we can get crazy because of our hormones. So forgive yourself for being emotional because that is how prefectly imperfect we are. Radical self love is a must.

It’s okay to be bossy.
Just because we are used to seeing men as leaders, that doesn’t mean we can’t be bosses too. You might have been called a bossy girl as a kid. You might have been hated for that and you don’t understand why. But now think about it deeply. We had very few role models of women leaders that’s why people get intimidated when they see such a strong and feisty woman taking charge. Some people will tell you to tone it down, but ironically when guys are bossy they are perceived as good leaders. But you know what, instead of being bossy, rephrase it into being a woman with leadership skills. If they are intimidated then so be it, as long as you are doing your job in the most authentic and humane way, insecure comments will be ignored.

It’s okay to leave when you’re not being respected.
Leave the room when someone threatens your peace. You should not endure a boss that degrades women or a relationship with someone who threatens you or physically abuses you. Draw clear boundaries and zero tolerance non-negotiables. In a patriarchal world, it is possible to carve your own path. You are not here to please people, you are here to fully express who you are and be successful in your own right. If someone shows you who they are as Maya Angelou says, believe them the first time. Never settle for relationships with disrespectful people.

So can you add more? I would really love your inputs on this. I hope you are taking them in and if you are already a strong and empowered woman, then spread the word and teach other girls to do the same. This may still be a man’s world but the tides are changing. Go out and shine.