I was okay. I was perfect. I was happy to be by myself. I had a job, good friends, a loving family, and most of all I have accepted who I am. I’ve learned to love how i look, to give myself a pat in the back, and to believe in myself. I was happy being me.
It’s funny how a disturbance caught me off guard. The contented me, the happy me suddenly met a person that changed everything. Suddenly I wanted more from my life. I felt incomplete whenever I didn’t see you or haven’t talked to you. It was, to put it bluntly, irrational.
How come suddenly, you made all the oxytocin in my system go nuts? I was suddenly imagining a future, with you. I became a self conscious girl who always wondered if she looks okay. I was frustrated because I thought I didn’t look pretty enough. I even downplayed myself in front of you so that i wouldn’t sound too smart because, let’s face it, most guys don’t like a girl who’s smarter than them. I changed. I became a terrible person.
From a person who didn’t need approval from people around her, I became a cliche, an insecure girl. Especially when you chose her over me, God, it became worse. I was determined to make my revenge, by being prettier, smarter, and more succesful than ever. I knew that I was smarter, more successful, and more interesting. I was definitely more. There’s just one thing that she beat me, she was prettier and skinny.
A girl beat me because of her looks. No matter how good I was, I cannot compete with the pretty girl. I am no prom queen.
It was horrible. All the horrors of my past came back. I remembered how my parents’ friends would visit our house and call me the daughter who was fat. In Filipino, they call me, “napabayaan sa kusina.” I was the girl with the largest face in our class picture, the kid who got bullied for being fat. Being fat defined me until i decided not to let it by doing my best in school. All these years of recovery, but it only took one guy to make me feel sorry about myself.
After several months of traveling, having fun, and spending some time loving myself, I have arrived to the best realization.
If a guy makes you feel conscious, ugly, or not enough, he’s the wrong guy. If he makes you see everything that you lack, then he’s not the one. If he chooses someone over you, or if he has considers you as an option then he’s not the one. If he consumes you too much and puts a lot of drama in your life, definitely he’s not the one.
A guy can make you feel important. He can make you feel precious and loved. He can talk to you with the sweetest words, make plans for your future, and share wonderful memories. But a man is different.
A man will put action to his words. A man will make you feel good about yourself. A man will never let you feel that you’re not enough. Who you are, the good and bad will be enough for him. He will make plans with you in it and walk with you throughout the journey. A man will make mistakes but he’s man enough to admit it and say sorry. A man won’t make you feel as if you’re walking on thin ice. A man will make you feel like a Victoria’s secret supermodel even if you don’t look like one. A man will be honest, and loyal. A man will call you his only one, never an option.
That guy, was “A GUY”, one of the many guys walking on earth and hurting girls. But what I
, what every woman deserves is a “A MAN”. So if you’re reading this and think that who you’re dating is a guy, stop. If you can’t stop, see it for yourself.
A man will come. If you’re thinking of looking for a man, stop. You don’t look for a man. You wait. As the saying goes, “All things worth having are worth waiting for.”