A fool

Everything has been unstable as long as i can remember. Maybe that’s the reason why I want to be a doctor, to have a stable job, a stable home, and everything stable because I never had that. I never felt like tomorrow will not be a struggle.

I was born in a problematic, and kinda traumatic family. My negativity goes deep. My  outlook in life has been a net result of instability. It’s hard to focus. It’s even harder to reach a goal when problems crop up like spores of a fungi.

To be realistic, happiness seems so overrated. It’s a tiny oasis in the midst of this never ending desert. But still, humans are fools. We believe in the ‘happy’. We’re supposed to show everyone how happy we are to the point that some even love bragging how successful they are.

But yes, I am also a fool. I am one of those people who will encourage others, be a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on. I always give positive advice to my friends. After all, that’s the lot that I can do. I also make them believe in a happier world even though I myself have a hard time convincing this twisted brain of mine.

Yes, its hypocrite-ish. I am a hypocrite  if we’ll base a person’s character in words and actions. Sometimes i mean what i say. Sometimes I don’t.

Yes, I’m a walking contradiction. My views can change in a blink of an eye. It’s not because i’m a push over. It’s because I’m too open-minded.

No, I’m not a bad person. Being vulnerable does not make me a shitty human being. It makes me sane, a normal person.

So how do we live? How do we get through?

We remain fools. Although we know deep inside how lonely this world is and how injustice stares right at our face, we choose to believe that somehow, that tiny bit of good is still there. At least for me, that’s what works.

Unstable situations may make it hard for us to focus, but we have to just think of the next tiny step. Even if it’s just washing your face, fixing your bed, or getting up, it adds up. It could probably lead to a net result of happy.

Of fallen dreams

Tunnel vision.
Clear goal.

I had all of that. I thought that if I want something bad enough, even if the world screams impossible, that goal would still materialize.

Was I wrong? Apparently.

As soon as I left my job I had the time to think about where I am in my life. Am I the person that I thought I was going to be at 22?

Poof. I’m not.

If I were asked where I am, I’d say, I’m in a path that I have never imagined for myself. The life I’m living is not the life I’ve dreamed. But still, I find solace, I find peace. Maybe this is what they call ‘happiness’. I chose it.

Life has thrown rocks on me. And, I just realized that, its just the way it is. No matter how much I question God, the universe, or any deity, nothing will change. These are the circumstances that I was born with, and I got a choice. Am I gonna fight? Or am I gonna die?

I choose to fight. I will always do.

This week, I talked to a friend and she reminded me of a couple of things that I forgot. I told her everything, about my struggles and plans. Suddenly she told me, “if you will go back and face the same problems you’ve had, the reasons why you left in the first place, you might just regret that you didn’t give it one more shot’.

And then she told me, “You are K, you are the smart, talented, ambitious, girl that I met. You are inspiring a lot of people, including me. So please don’t give up. Maybe life is unfair to us, but aren’t we lucky enough because we were born achievers? At least in our case, our brain is capable of thinking about ways to solve our family problems. We have a shot.”

With those things she said, I was awakened. I realized that I was too preoccupied with my problems that I forgot to see the big picture.

When we start to look so hard in our circumstances we forget about the important things. Worse, we forget who we are.

I have come to accept everything. I have decided to relinquish control. I choose happiness. I choose to revel in uncertainty.


Dear ex love of my life,

A few days ago, I checked your Facebook account. We’re not Facebook friends anymore. I erased you out of my life. I erased all the chances of us talking, although I know you never tried (haha). I saw your cover photo, it’s a picture of you with your new girl. I’d be a hypocrite if I say that I didn’t feel a pinch of hurt. Here you are again, making someone feel like a princess until that girl knows who you really are.

I also felt like a complete fool, again. Because until now, I become more and more convinced that what we had was nothing to you. I was just the girl who was there at the most down moment of your life. I fixed you. And when you were fixed, you just threw me like some old model of a gadget that doesn’t serve a purpose for you anymore.

I know that there’s no more use in dwelling and repeatedly questioning myself. I was just a rebound, a pawn in a chess game that was dispensable for you to win. My feelings didn’t matter as long as you were happy. I didn’t expect this scar to hurt, because as far as I know, they don’t hurt when the wound has healed completely. But maybe then there’s no total recovery from you. Maybe I have to live with this feeling of betrayal, of losing to a player like you. God, I hate losing.

I don’t want to think of seeing you again. In fact, I hope that last time you drove me to the MRT station was our last memory. At least there was a bit of concern from you that one time.

I hope you’re happy. I hope you don’t hurt her the way you did to me. I hope you don’t leave her feeling less of herself. I hope you make her so happy that she won’t ever think that you’re capable of hurting someone so much.

I guess I have to live with these questions while waiting for what’s in it for me in this world. I just learned that I have to put myself first above anyone else. And maybe, if God gives me a chance to love again, I know that I have to keep a part of my heart to myself.


Wake up, it’s gonna be a beautiful day. Today,you turn 22.

2015 was more of a trial and error stage of my life. I had a job at a university and I wasn’t happy at that job. Why? Because, the pay is low and I don’t see myself going anywhere up in that place. So, without any regret, I left and decided to follow my mom in Thailand.

I thought so much about leaving. My mom wasn’t really in a good financial state but at least I know that I can do better someplace else, somewhere away from all the blabber of my extended family, meaning my aunts and uncles.

21 was the year I fell in love, or at least i thought I was. Thankfully, I bolted out of that complicated “thing” before it destroys me. I now know that waiting for the right person would still be better than forcing love from someone who doesn’t have plans for the future.

21 changed me. I realized what things matter, what should I leave behind, what I want in my life, and what do I allow in my life.

At 21, i learned how to guard my heart and clear my head. I learned to look for the sun when everything around screamed darkness, and sometimes I had to look for it a little bit harder.

At 21 I have come to realize the value of progress, not perfection. I’ve learned how to accept what’s in front of me, how to act more and whine less. I have become more grateful with what I have and more patient with my dreams.

At 21 I’ve met very strong people who would work so hard for the people they love back home, these people inspire me. I was lucky to start meaningful friendships with strangers and hopefully it will last.

At 21 I fell so hard, but I now know that sometimes stumbling is what you need to know where to land.

At 21 I’ve had the best relationship with God. I don’t go to church every Sunday, but I know what God wants me to do and slowly I’m trying to live a life that would inspire others.

At 21 I have fully accepted myself, physically. I’ve never been happier with my wide forehead, flat nose, and wide hips. Why? Because I know the person that lives inside this body by heart. She is a person full of love and compassion for other people. She is a girl who wants to help other people so bad that she wants to be  financially independent so she could help the people having less. And that, for her, is the definition of real beauty.

At 21 I learned how to stop relying my happiness on material things. I don’t care about the latest phone model, or the trends in fashion. Happiness depends on perspective. I have a great family, a job that gets food on the table and allowance for my siblings in PH and that’s enough to make me happy.

Well, being 21 was a life changing experience. This time I didn’t have a cake on my birthday, people didn’t know that it was my natal day because I removed my birthday on facebook, but I was happy. My mom and I went to an ice cream parlor, enjoyed the dessert, went home, and slept.

The lessons I’ve learned was bigger than any material gift I could ever receive. Thank you God for a roller coaster 21. I hope 22 will teach me a lot more.


First Christmas Away from Home

This Christmas was very different than all the past celebrations I’ve had. I’m not gonna pretend that it was awesome because duh I am not in the Philippines. Since I’m just starting out here in TH, money has been a struggle. For the first time, I really don’t have money for Christmas gifts or parties. My mom and I are living a very frugal life because we can’t afford to splurge any. Our salaries were not until the end of the month. But you know what we did? We rode a bus, went to Central World, strolled at the beautiful place seeing people from all over the globe smiling. It is Christmas anyway, it’s the happiest time of the year. Their happiness was like a virus! Me and my mom were so happy because it’s just the spirit surrounding us. Why should we be sad?

Since mom had to work the following day, we went home after eating street food. This Christmas may not be filled with the festivities that I was used to but I was thankful to God and happy that we got to feel the real essence of Christmas minus all the material things that I used to think made me happy.

I’m writing this because I know that not everyone gets to celebrate Christmas with the people they love. Not everyone gets to have a noche buena on their plate. Not everyone has the things that a lot of people are posting on Facebook.

Some people at that moment are brokenhearted, sick, hungry, and probably want to end their life. But if you have Jesus, no matter what circumstance you are in, you will feel His everlasting love. You will feel His arms embracing you and telling you that everything’s gonna be okay.

I don’t want to give you guys the image that my life is perfect because I’m in another country. My life is far from perfection. Just like anyone, I have loads problems but I don’t like dwelling on it. I post pictures of me smiling despite everything I’m going through. That smile, is also a gift from God. He always gives me reasons to smile no matter how shitty everything is.
So to us who celebrated Christmas without Noche Buena or without our loved ones, it’s definitely okay. The number of reasons to be happy still outnumbers the reasons to for us to be sad. And that is all that matters.

Christmas Then and Now

I have been looking for reasons to be happy. Christmas was my favorite day before I went abroad. It’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year, at least, I was accustomed to it.

At ten in the morning I’d wake up. I’m smelling my dad’s cooking. He’s probably making laing for lunch. We would eat around the table and laugh a lot, share stories.

At two PM everyone’s busy. There’s my sister preparing spaghetti, my step mom cooking menudo, my dad cooking lechong kawali, and the rest of the family grilling the barbecue.

At eight, everything’s prepared. My dad and step mom would be having some last minute shopping at the grocery for drinks and ice cream.

We’ll be singing since we rented karaoke and then just have fun.

That was my Christmas last year. It makes me teary eyed while I’m typing this. Christmas this year is different.

I’m broke because salary’s at the end of the month. My friend borrowed money from me and told me that she’ll pay me back last 15. So… Broke.

All my plans for Christmas was shattered. I planned on taking my mom to a restaurant for dinner. I wasn’t able to.

We just made the most out of what we had.

At ten, I woke up, ate breakfast and cleaned the apartment. I watched friends, video chatted with family in PH and then spent a lot of time on social media.

At seven, mom cooked omelette. We ate dinner and then headed to central world to take some pictures. We took a lot of pictures beside the massive tree, with Santa Claus, and everything else christmassy.

At eleven we bought street food and went home.

I went back to my social media world, posted pics, and slept.

I tried my best to be happy and I think I pretty much convinced myself that I was happy. It’s a lot different but it’s enough for me.

Why you should be asleep past 12 AM

12:30 AM thoughts

Beyond midnight I can’t help thinking about ‘stuff.’Believe me I’ve prayed ever since to quit being an overthinker. I want to stop analyzing everything. I want to be free from my thoughts, from my obligations, and goals.


I want to go somewhere. I want to be someone. But every night, I ask myself if I am moving closer. Are my sacrifices worth it? Was leaving everything behind worth it? Do I have what it takes to go where I want to go?


I miss my family. I miss my dad, my sisters, baby brother. I miss papa’s adobo. I miss petty fights with my older sister. I miss talking about our dream house with my younger sister. I miss checking on my youngest sister and tickling my baby brother. I miss Christmas in the Philippines. I miss it all.


I wonder what he’s up to. It’s been seven months and he still pops inside my head from time to time. I hope he is happy. I hope he’s having the time of his life. I’m wishing for his dreams to come true. I just wish he knows that I have long forgiven him even if he never apologized.


Will I end up alone? Cause right now, I’m getting ready for a life of solitude. If it’s my destiny, I think I’m gonna be okay with it.


I will chase dreams but I won’t repeat the same mistake of chasing a person.

Sleep dreamer.




I’ve learned to revel in the uncertainty.

Uncertainty sucks. Waiting sucks. Things not going according to your plan sucks. If there’s one thing i was totally uncomfortable with, it is the ‘not knowing’ part of everything.

As a kid, I’ve always had an umbrella in my backpack. I’d always have a bottle of water, cologne, a towel,and spare money. I am always ready for emergencies. I even had band aids and alcohol ‘just in case’ something happens. When it’s my first time to go to a certain place, i would bring a sweater in case the room’s too cold, or a fan if ever it’s scorching hot. I was miss ‘always prepared. If there’s any unforeseen event, like a fire or earthquake, I’d know what to do , I’d have probably looked for the fire exit the minute i got inside a building.

Yeah,  I’m neurotic like that because I don’t want to be in a place where I’ll say, “God, I didn’t see that coming.”

I was like that. But lately, I’ve been starting to love the art of not knowing.

Being a perfectionist worked for the first few years of my life. Of course when I was in grade school, I’d always know that my dad’s gonna pick me up at school and that we’ve always had food on our table. Everything was stable around me, it was the phase in my life that I can really say that life was good. There are no problems when you’re a kid. I can easily get a perfect score in my exams because it was the only thing i was worrying about at the time. I don’t have any other concerns.

However, as I grew up I started to see the world as it really is. When you understand how stuff really works, that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows, you can’t predict how you respond. I for one can’t deal with things not being perfect, like how my parents fought all the time and eventually separated. My mind couldn’t process that we’d have to live in my grandmother’s house, or grandfather’s house and not have a house anymore. I had to accept that the future that I imagined was not possible anymore.

I had to deal with all the uncertainties. I had to accept that I don’t have a ‘sure’ source of allowance for the following day. I had to accept that medschool was not going to be a priority first or that it might not happen anymore. I had to accept that school’s not the only thing that I should be thinking about.

I had to think about my siblings first before making the next move in my career. I had to think about everybody else first. I had to be okay with working at a job that pays well even if it’s not really my number one passion. But, hey, that’s life. It is full of surprises.

I went overseas for my family. I’ve now realized that they are my life, and my source of strength. Being a perfectionist was cool at that time. It molded me to a strong and confident woman who knows what she wants and will do everything to achieve a goal. But I can’t be a perfectionist anymore. This world has no room for perfectionism.

The more I expect everything to be perfect, the smaller my world became. Disappointment dragged me down and I fell into a depressed state to the point that I don’t want to move anymore. My mentality was “what’s the point of trying if this world doesn’t give a fuck about me anyway?”

However, living in a foreign land changed all that. I became more receptive to change. I became more patient and willing to accept life as it is. Yes, I will always opt for something more but I’m okay with okay. I’ll continue to be open minded no matter what. And right now, I’m reveling in my new found freedom. I have found courage that I never thought I could have. I have learned how to live by loving myself and not by what other people expect from me. I am now okay with letting go of things and people that drag me down.

Everyday I wake up, I can’t help but be thankful with the uncertainties on my plate.

Mahal mo ba ako?

Mahal kita
Ang sarap pakinggan.
Tila isang huni na kahit paulit-ulit kong marinig ay hindi kumukupas ang tamis sa tuwing iyong sasambitin
Ang tagal kong pinangarap na marinig ang dalawang salitang labis na kasiyahan ang dala sa aking puso.
Ngunit sapat na ba ang sabihing mahal kita?
Sa una ay napakasayang isipin na may taong nagsabi sayo na mahal ka niya
Ngunit kung hindi ko ito maramdaman, ano pa ba ang silbi ng mahal kita?
Ipinagsisigawan mo sa buong mundo na mahal mo ako ngunit bakit tuwing tayong dalawa na lang ang magkasama tila tayo’y nasa magkabilang dulo ng mundo?
Na parang pakitang tao lang ang mga yakap, halik, akbay at ngiti
Kung sasabihin mong mahal mo ko gawin mo, ipakita mo
Kasi mas gugustuhin ko pang ang pag-ibig natin ay tahimik, at isang sikreto basta’t alam ko na mahal kita at mahal mo rin ako.
Hindi ko kailangan na palibutan ng rosas o bigyan ng maraming tsokolate
Hindi ko hinihiling na ipagyabang mo ako sa fb, twitter o Instagram
Hindi ko kailangan ang mga text na halos langgamin sa tamis oh maraming I love you
Ang kailangan ko ay yung nandiyan ka sa panahon na nahihirapan ako
Kapag pagod na ako, oh nawawalan ng pag-asa at tila hindi na makabangon
Kapag minsan nawawalan na ako ng tiwala sa sarili ko
Kapag gusto ko nang bumitaw kailangan ko nang kakapit at yayakapin ako
Ngayon, mahal mo pa rin ba ako?
Sumagot ka.
Kaya mo bang panindigan ang mga salitang ito?


Ours was a story no one ever knew.

You were just getting out of a relationship, and I was there. I was the shoulder you leaned on and the best friend you needed. I was the cool friend.

But we changed. You would put your arm around me and say things that were quite different from how we usually talked. We would walk every night, you’d smoke and i’d listen and talk.

The nights were never enough for us to babble about everything, from science, politics, religion, music, and a lot more. We just clicked. It seemed like for the first time in my life, someone understands the things I’m interested in. It was like we’ve known each other for a long time.

You gave me books, and we would watch movies, eat street food, drink beer, and spend hours on the  phone. I guess that was one of the highest highs I’ve ever felt in my life.

But your phone calls became less often. You became rude and insensitive. You were the first guy who made me cry. You accused me of a lot of things. It was just too hurtful.

You were my secret, my bestfriend, probably, my first love. You were my first heartbreak.

When I learned about how you lied to your girlfriend, and told her that I was the one making the first move, it hurt a lot. Suddenly I was the bad guy.

You told me you broke up. You called every night. You would knock on my door and ask me to watch a movie with you. You gave me books, talked to me for hours. How was I supposed  to “not fall”?

There was no escaping your spell. I was trapped, and I fell. So thank you, you played me well.

I’m sorry if I’m not as good a player as you are. I’m sorry if I don’t go around playing with other’s feelings. I’m sorry for putting my heart on my sleeve. I’m sorry for believing that you are a good person.

But thank you, for teaching me one of the most important lessons in life. Now I know the kind of love that I deserve. I will know that when a guy like you comes in my life, I’d be smart enough to walk away. I now know what I truly need.

I decided to delete you in my life. I’ve deleted you on my phone and Facebook. I put all your stuff in a box and left it in the Philippines. All our pictures were deleted. It’s as if I haven’t met you in the first place.

I have moved on. The thought of you actually makes me laugh at myself. I’m now realizing that no matter how intelligent a person is, there’s no way they can be smart in love.

What if I bumped into you someday? I’ll just smile and walk straight ahead. I can do that.