Slow living MD

This Christmas was very different than all the past celebrations I’ve had. I’m not gonna pretend that it was awesome because duh I am not in the Philippines. Since I’m just starting out here in TH, money has been a struggle. For the first time, I really don’t have money for Christmas gifts or parties. My mom and I are living a very frugal life because we can’t afford to splurge any. Our salaries were not until the end of the month. But you know what we did? We rode a bus, went to Central World, strolled at the beautiful place seeing people from all over the globe smiling. It is Christmas anyway, it’s the happiest time of the year. Their happiness was like a virus! Me and my mom were so happy because it’s just the spirit surrounding us. Why should we be sad?

Since mom had to work the following day, we went home after eating street food. This Christmas may not be filled with the festivities that I was used to but I was thankful to God and happy that we got to feel the real essence of Christmas minus all the material things that I used to think made me happy.

I’m writing this because I know that not everyone gets to celebrate Christmas with the people they love. Not everyone gets to have a noche buena on their plate. Not everyone has the things that a lot of people are posting on Facebook.

Some people at that moment are brokenhearted, sick, hungry, and probably want to end their life. But if you have Jesus, no matter what circumstance you are in, you will feel His everlasting love. You will feel His arms embracing you and telling you that everything’s gonna be okay.

I don’t want to give you guys the image that my life is perfect because I’m in another country. My life is far from perfection. Just like anyone, I have loads problems but I don’t like dwelling on it. I post pictures of me smiling despite everything I’m going through. That smile, is also a gift from God. He always gives me reasons to smile no matter how shitty everything is.
So to us who celebrated Christmas without Noche Buena or without our loved ones, it’s definitely okay. The number of reasons to be happy still outnumbers the reasons to for us to be sad. And that is all that matters.

I have been looking for reasons to be happy. Christmas was my favorite day before I went abroad. It’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year, at least, I was accustomed to it.

At ten in the morning I’d wake up. I’m smelling my dad’s cooking. He’s probably making laing for lunch. We would eat around the table and laugh a lot, share stories.

At two PM everyone’s busy. There’s my sister preparing spaghetti, my step mom cooking menudo, my dad cooking lechong kawali, and the rest of the family grilling the barbecue.

At eight, everything’s prepared. My dad and step mom would be having some last minute shopping at the grocery for drinks and ice cream.

We’ll be singing since we rented karaoke and then just have fun.

That was my Christmas last year. It makes me teary eyed while I’m typing this. Christmas this year is different.

I’m broke because salary’s at the end of the month. My friend borrowed money from me and told me that she’ll pay me back last 15. So… Broke.

All my plans for Christmas was shattered. I planned on taking my mom to a restaurant for dinner. I wasn’t able to.

We just made the most out of what we had.

At ten, I woke up, ate breakfast and cleaned the apartment. I watched friends, video chatted with family in PH and then spent a lot of time on social media.

At seven, mom cooked omelette. We ate dinner and then headed to central world to take some pictures. We took a lot of pictures beside the massive tree, with Santa Claus, and everything else christmassy.

At eleven we bought street food and went home.

I went back to my social media world, posted pics, and slept.

I tried my best to be happy and I think I pretty much convinced myself that I was happy. It’s a lot different but it’s enough for me.

I’ve learned to revel in the uncertainty.

Uncertainty sucks. Waiting sucks. Things not going according to your plan sucks. If there’s one thing i was totally uncomfortable with, it is the ‘not knowing’ part of everything.

As a kid, I’ve always had an umbrella in my backpack. I’d always have a bottle of water, cologne, a towel,and spare money. I am always ready for emergencies. I even had band aids and alcohol ‘just in case’ something happens. When it’s my first time to go to a certain place, i would bring a sweater in case the room’s too cold, or a fan if ever it’s scorching hot. I was miss ‘always prepared. If there’s any unforeseen event, like a fire or earthquake, I’d know what to do , I’d have probably looked for the fire exit the minute i got inside a building.

Yeah,  I’m neurotic like that because I don’t want to be in a place where I’ll say, “God, I didn’t see that coming.”

I was like that. But lately, I’ve been starting to love the art of not knowing.

Being a perfectionist worked for the first few years of my life. Of course when I was in grade school, I’d always know that my dad’s gonna pick me up at school and that we’ve always had food on our table. Everything was stable around me, it was the phase in my life that I can really say that life was good. There are no problems when you’re a kid. I can easily get a perfect score in my exams because it was the only thing i was worrying about at the time. I don’t have any other concerns.

However, as I grew up I started to see the world as it really is. When you understand how stuff really works, that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows, you can’t predict how you respond. I for one can’t deal with things not being perfect, like how my parents fought all the time and eventually separated. My mind couldn’t process that we’d have to live in my grandmother’s house, or grandfather’s house and not have a house anymore. I had to accept that the future that I imagined was not possible anymore.

I had to deal with all the uncertainties. I had to accept that I don’t have a ‘sure’ source of allowance for the following day. I had to accept that medschool was not going to be a priority first or that it might not happen anymore. I had to accept that school’s not the only thing that I should be thinking about.

I had to think about my siblings first before making the next move in my career. I had to think about everybody else first. I had to be okay with working at a job that pays well even if it’s not really my number one passion. But, hey, that’s life. It is full of surprises.

I went overseas for my family. I’ve now realized that they are my life, and my source of strength. Being a perfectionist was cool at that time. It molded me to a strong and confident woman who knows what she wants and will do everything to achieve a goal. But I can’t be a perfectionist anymore. This world has no room for perfectionism.

The more I expect everything to be perfect, the smaller my world became. Disappointment dragged me down and I fell into a depressed state to the point that I don’t want to move anymore. My mentality was “what’s the point of trying if this world doesn’t give a fuck about me anyway?”

However, living in a foreign land changed all that. I became more receptive to change. I became more patient and willing to accept life as it is. Yes, I will always opt for something more but I’m okay with okay. I’ll continue to be open minded no matter what. And right now, I’m reveling in my new found freedom. I have found courage that I never thought I could have. I have learned how to live by loving myself and not by what other people expect from me. I am now okay with letting go of things and people that drag me down.

Everyday I wake up, I can’t help but be thankful with the uncertainties on my plate.

Mahal kita
Ang sarap pakinggan.
Tila isang huni na kahit paulit-ulit kong marinig ay hindi kumukupas ang tamis sa tuwing iyong sasambitin
Ang tagal kong pinangarap na marinig ang dalawang salitang labis na kasiyahan ang dala sa aking puso.
Ngunit sapat na ba ang sabihing mahal kita?
Sa una ay napakasayang isipin na may taong nagsabi sayo na mahal ka niya
Ngunit kung hindi ko ito maramdaman, ano pa ba ang silbi ng mahal kita?
Ipinagsisigawan mo sa buong mundo na mahal mo ako ngunit bakit tuwing tayong dalawa na lang ang magkasama tila tayo’y nasa magkabilang dulo ng mundo?
Na parang pakitang tao lang ang mga yakap, halik, akbay at ngiti
Kung sasabihin mong mahal mo ko gawin mo, ipakita mo
Kasi mas gugustuhin ko pang ang pag-ibig natin ay tahimik, at isang sikreto basta’t alam ko na mahal kita at mahal mo rin ako.
Hindi ko kailangan na palibutan ng rosas o bigyan ng maraming tsokolate
Hindi ko hinihiling na ipagyabang mo ako sa fb, twitter o Instagram
Hindi ko kailangan ang mga text na halos langgamin sa tamis oh maraming I love you
Ang kailangan ko ay yung nandiyan ka sa panahon na nahihirapan ako
Kapag pagod na ako, oh nawawalan ng pag-asa at tila hindi na makabangon
Kapag minsan nawawalan na ako ng tiwala sa sarili ko
Kapag gusto ko nang bumitaw kailangan ko nang kakapit at yayakapin ako
Ngayon, mahal mo pa rin ba ako?
Sumagot ka.
Kaya mo bang panindigan ang mga salitang ito?

Ours was a story no one ever knew.

You were just getting out of a relationship, and I was there. I was the shoulder you leaned on and the best friend you needed. I was the cool friend.

But we changed. You would put your arm around me and say things that were quite different from how we usually talked. We would walk every night, you’d smoke and i’d listen and talk.

The nights were never enough for us to babble about everything, from science, politics, religion, music, and a lot more. We just clicked. It seemed like for the first time in my life, someone understands the things I’m interested in. It was like we’ve known each other for a long time.

You gave me books, and we would watch movies, eat street food, drink beer, and spend hours on the  phone. I guess that was one of the highest highs I’ve ever felt in my life.

But your phone calls became less often. You became rude and insensitive. You were the first guy who made me cry. You accused me of a lot of things. It was just too hurtful.

You were my secret, my bestfriend, probably, my first love. You were my first heartbreak.

When I learned about how you lied to your girlfriend, and told her that I was the one making the first move, it hurt a lot. Suddenly I was the bad guy.

You told me you broke up. You called every night. You would knock on my door and ask me to watch a movie with you. You gave me books, talked to me for hours. How was I supposed  to “not fall”?

There was no escaping your spell. I was trapped, and I fell. So thank you, you played me well.

I’m sorry if I’m not as good a player as you are. I’m sorry if I don’t go around playing with other’s feelings. I’m sorry for putting my heart on my sleeve. I’m sorry for believing that you are a good person.

But thank you, for teaching me one of the most important lessons in life. Now I know the kind of love that I deserve. I will know that when a guy like you comes in my life, I’d be smart enough to walk away. I now know what I truly need.

I decided to delete you in my life. I’ve deleted you on my phone and Facebook. I put all your stuff in a box and left it in the Philippines. All our pictures were deleted. It’s as if I haven’t met you in the first place.

I have moved on. The thought of you actually makes me laugh at myself. I’m now realizing that no matter how intelligent a person is, there’s no way they can be smart in love.

What if I bumped into you someday? I’ll just smile and walk straight ahead. I can do that.