Of fallen dreams

Tunnel vision.
Clear goal.

I had all of that. I thought that if I want something bad enough, even if the world screams impossible, that goal would still materialize.

Was I wrong? Apparently.

As soon as I left my job I had the time to think about where I am in my life. Am I the person that I thought I was going to be at 22?

Poof. I’m not.

If I were asked where I am, I’d say, I’m in a path that I have never imagined for myself. The life I’m living is not the life I’ve dreamed. But still, I find solace, I find peace. Maybe this is what they call ‘happiness’. I chose it.

Life has thrown rocks on me. And, I just realized that, its just the way it is. No matter how much I question God, the universe, or any deity, nothing will change. These are the circumstances that I was born with, and I got a choice. Am I gonna fight? Or am I gonna die?

I choose to fight. I will always do.

This week, I talked to a friend and she reminded me of a couple of things that I forgot. I told her everything, about my struggles and plans. Suddenly she told me, “if you will go back and face the same problems you’ve had, the reasons why you left in the first place, you might just regret that you didn’t give it one more shot’.

And then she told me, “You are K, you are the smart, talented, ambitious, girl that I met. You are inspiring a lot of people, including me. So please don’t give up. Maybe life is unfair to us, but aren’t we lucky enough because we were born achievers? At least in our case, our brain is capable of thinking about ways to solve our family problems. We have a shot.”

With those things she said, I was awakened. I realized that I was too preoccupied with my problems that I forgot to see the big picture.

When we start to look so hard in our circumstances we forget about the important things. Worse, we forget who we are.

I have come to accept everything. I have decided to relinquish control. I choose happiness. I choose to revel in uncertainty.

Why you should be asleep past 12 AM

12:30 AM thoughts

Beyond midnight I can’t help thinking about ‘stuff.’Believe me I’ve prayed ever since to quit being an overthinker. I want to stop analyzing everything. I want to be free from my thoughts, from my obligations, and goals.

one

I want to go somewhere. I want to be someone. But every night, I ask myself if I am moving closer. Are my sacrifices worth it? Was leaving everything behind worth it? Do I have what it takes to go where I want to go?

two

I miss my family. I miss my dad, my sisters, baby brother. I miss papa’s adobo. I miss petty fights with my older sister. I miss talking about our dream house with my younger sister. I miss checking on my youngest sister and tickling my baby brother. I miss Christmas in the Philippines. I miss it all.

three

I wonder what he’s up to. It’s been seven months and he still pops inside my head from time to time. I hope he is happy. I hope he’s having the time of his life. I’m wishing for his dreams to come true. I just wish he knows that I have long forgiven him even if he never apologized.

four

Will I end up alone? Cause right now, I’m getting ready for a life of solitude. If it’s my destiny, I think I’m gonna be okay with it.

five

I will chase dreams but I won’t repeat the same mistake of chasing a person.

Sleep dreamer.