My Sun

Yours was the sunset that brought me to my knees,
but you are and always will be, my sunrise.

Whenever I remember the 17th of May,
The scar stings, a stare of loneliness surfaces,
I’m taken back to that unthinkable day.
A life without you never crossed my mind,
How I managed to live,
An answer I can never find.

It took every ounce of energy my cells could generate,
To breathe and live in a nightmare, in a body that I didn’t wish to live in.
I couldn’t just erase you, I couldn’t unfeel the pain.
That would mean denying all the love you unselfishly gave,
I woke up in tears, I denied reality,
I numbed, I was so scared.

You were the pillar of my identity, my safety blanket, my confidence.
My number one fan and believer.
But why did my sun set so quickly, why didn’t God make him stay?
I couldn’t live. I couldn’t breathe.
A world without you has never occured in my mind.
Where are you now, my sun? I badly want to feel your warmth, one last time.

I want you to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
That this will pass, that I can still be happy,
Even if you are not there, even just to annoy me for one day.
I miss you still, I love you so,
I will try to live,
Even though everyday, my climb is still uphill.

With every sunrise, it became a little bit easier.
I kept on breathing, I asked myself what would you say?
What would my hero tell me?
What would he want me to do?
So I continued to walk with small steps, sometimes in strides,
Whatever I manage, that’s okay.

It has been a year, since that sunset,
It still haunts me like a terrifying dream,
But I thrived even in the darkest times,
Sometimes I hid, sometimes I faced the sadness.
It’s okay.We can face it.
We will be alright in time.

I learned that I’m not alone,
I can feel your heart beat right next to mine.
You are still whispering that, “You can do it.”
Whenever I want to break down, an invisible force pushes me,
To take one more step, to be bold and brave,
And watch the sun rise.

We were riding on your red motorcycle,
We were talking about our dreams and your stories about life.
I saw the sun. I saw you, my sun.
Forever etched in my heart.
Yours was the sunset that brought me to my knees,
But you are and always will be, my sunrise.

Ukelele

With gentle tunes
And every pluck of each string
I summon happiness
I live with glee.
Whoever made you
Has indeed a heart of gold
For the joy you bring me
One that even by words can’t ever be told.

You had me at hi
I pulled you close
Sad songs you transformed
A pretentious melody sounded true.
Lying in the hammock
In front of the sea
I strum with passion
I dream of thee.

Tell me about the first time
Our skins have touched
I never knew that love would feel this much
Every dull moment you made serene
Every song I played you with
Had love within.

I never knew this kind of happiness
Till I chose to play you
I’ve tried the guitar and drums
But nothing ever sounded like you.
How you made the sun shine
Everywhere you go
How you made me smile
Even when I thought I’ll never do.

You are mine and I am yours
Let’s compose and sing
Let’s dance to unsung melodies
Let’s make everybody plug in
I promise to take care of us
This gift of music, of love
That seemingly came from the stars
Maybe from the deepest seas or high above

Tulak

Takbo. Habol. Lipad.

Sabi nila kailangan ko daw matutong huwag tumigil,

kahit pagod na, ang huminga ng saglit ay bawal,

kung tagumpay ang hangarin.

Ngiti. Halakhak. Labas ang ngipin.

Ang sarap tumawa, sana’y walang katapusan,

kung sumaya ay ganon kadali,

bakit kayhirap gawin,

tila marami ang malungkot sa atin?

Hinga. Pahingi ng pahinga.

Ito ang sigaw ng katawan kong tulog ay kaytagal nang inaasam.

Ngunit seryoso, kailan kaya kita mababawi?

Pwede pa ba? May oras pa ba?

Biro lang, may pagsusulit pa bukas.

Ginusto mo yan, wag kang magsisi.

Problema. Masakit. Madilim.

Kaya ko pa bang harapin ang bukas?

Kaya ko pa bang magsimula ulit?

Sa ilalim ng makulimlim na ulapat bugso ng ulan,

bakit parang ayaw na niyang tumigil?

Ate. Kapatid. Pamilya.

Kayo ang pumupuno sa akin.

Salamat dahil nariyan kayo, ang makikipot at paliko-likong daan,

matapang kong tinatahak, sapagkat kayo’y sumisigaw,

naniniwalang ang tagumpay ay nasa akin.

Lipunan. Magulo. Pabagsak.

May pag-asa pa kaya?

Kung ako’y tumigil, ano na ang kapalaran ng henerasyon na susunod sa akin?

Utak. Puso. Pag-ibig.

Mahirap pumili ng susundin,

ngunit kailangan, dahil kung hindi,

tila’y ligaw na damo, walang susundan, kung saan-saan mapapadpad,

oo, kayo ang bumubulong sa akin.

Kape. Alak. Tubig.

Aah, sa bawat tulo, napapawi ang pagod, kaya mo pa,

isang lagok pa, iyong matatapos ang inaaral,

magiging bihasa balang araw, sa larangang pinili.

Pluma. Papel. Laptop.

Sila ang aking karamay.

Kaya. Kaya. Kaya.

Pwedeng magpahinga Juana, pero hinding-hindi titigil.

Love is

Love is your sister cooking breakfast for you everyday.

Love is your dad checking up on you if you’re okay.

Love is your friend or lover asking you, “How was your day?”

Love is that stranger you saw last night giving a few pennies to the quiet kid near the subway.

Love is the sun shining everyday.

Love is when someone really listens to what you have to say.

Love is saying no even when the other person gets hurt.

Love is simple. Love is.

Love is your friend going with you to the scary doctor’s appointment.

Love is when you’re laughing with your med school friends who are all thinking, “What the fuck are we doing now?”

Love is your parents giving you your weekly allowance.

Love is when your family helps you out.

Love is in that stranger who gave you that scholarship.

Love is in the silence in between long distance friendships, we just know that it’s there.

Love is when your girlfriends call you because of that douche bag.

Love is when someone asks you, “Are you alright? I’m here you can talk to me. I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”

Love is when someone doesn’t want you to leave.

Love is when someone lets you go because he or she knows that it is best.

Love is when when someone shares their french fries.

Love is when someone gets water for you when you eat out.

Love is in that friend who keeps on cracking jokes.

Love is when your dog jumps in happiness when she sees you.

Love is being okay with the simple and mundane.

Love is in the highs and lows, the blanks and in-between.

Love is in the passion you have for your greatest dream.

Love is when someone waits for you, whatever the reason is.

Love is when someone looks for you, when you’ve suddenly disconnected.

Love is in that person who says: You can do it.

Love is there even when a person dies.

Love is manifested in so many things.

It can be a smile, a hug, or an ocean of tears.

Love that is given is never gone.

Love circumvents, it floats, it’s like air.

You breathe it in and you let it out.

To the Men in My Life

You are the first man who taught me about love.

What I know about this four letter word and how it should look like is because of you

You are far from perfect, there were times that I hated you

But for giving me life, for protecting and guiding me, Papa, the worth that I see in myself I owe it to you.

—

You are an authoritative figure.

I remember being scared when you get mad.

But time passed and now I always look forward to our grown-up conversations.

For giving me golden advice and the eloquence to speak my thoughts,

Thank you Lolo, a part of my wisdom, I owe it to you.

—

You guys showed me that not all men are pigs.

You amazed me with how smart and talented you are.

You were my source of laughter, drinking and study buddies.

You were a big part of who I’ve become.

Oh how I miss our laughs and intellectual banters,

College bros, thank you for showing me what fun is, my smiles in my teenage years, I owe it to you.

—

To the first guy I fell in love with, oh boy, I can’t even say

You made me laugh until I snort, you made me cry until I thought I would never see the beginning of another day.

Heartbreak is too painful but you made me realize,

I am worthy of love and I deserved better,

So much better than how you treated me.

My first tears out of love, I owe it to you.

—

To the last guy I loved, it sucks that it didn’t work out.

You got me and I got you, it was a magic that is rarely found.

Too afraid or too young? I don’t know which one it is.

As the cliche goes, “I’m happy for you, even if it’s not with me.”

You’re my “Maybe one day” or maybe you’re a lesson learned, but it’s okay.

My clarity for the next person I’ll love, I owe it to you.

—

To my two guy best friends who I’m in med school with,

Who saves me when I drown,

Who laughs and drinks with me and hugs me when I weep,

You both are puzzling and funny, too smart sometimes to your own demise.

I hope as we journey med school, our friendship goes strong,

For your company, I’m grateful,

My smiles and comfort in med school, I owe it to you.

—

Sometimes we spend so much time hating on the wrong ones,

We often forget that we have good hearts around us.

And so to the person reading this, think of the good men out there.

Focus on them, love them, and be with them.

Freedom

Wind beneath my hair

Sunlight on my skin

Coffee on the bench

Grass under my feet

I never felt this peace

Or so I thought I’d never feel it again.

You are my sanctuary

My oasis in the desert

The calm in my storm

The warmth of my favorite blanket

The softness of my pillow.

The bittersweet dark chocolate

The wine I sip before lying in bed.

My home and my clutter,

I guess you are my light, amidst the cold and dark,

Your love doesn’t make me shiver

My heart is full, with you I rest

I will always come back to you, my love, my home, my ethereal happiness.

The Minute I Saw You

Was it your crooked teeth or your unruly hair?

Was it how lonely you were and the way you stare?

The minute I saw you, you were dark and brokenhearted.

All I knew was I started feeling gloomy and my gut urged me to help you somehow.

Was it when we talked and sparked a conversation?

Was it when you kissed me in a dark room? I had no clue of your intention.

Was it because I was taken aback by your mystery and all of your frustrations?

Was it when you hugged me one night, I felt safe, out of the norm, overwhelmed with elation?

I don’t know when it all changed, but the minute I saw you it wasn’t there.

You grew on me in a way that I never thought possible.

I became my problem fixer self and saw you as a project, a puzzle I needed to solve, a code I wanted to crack.

But recently I realized you are not meant for me and I am not for you.

You’re a hard person to love, a scattered jigsaw puzzle I’m never going to figure out.

I hate unsolved problems, unanswered questions and vague conversations.

I hate promises unkept, mixed signals, and unclear intentions.

I hate being led on to something that I know won’t last.

The minute I saw you, you were sad and alone.

The minute I reached out to you, you gave in, and suddenly held back.

The minute you stopped and thought about me twice,

That’s the minute I let go of any possibility of us that I once saw in your eyes.

Pangako

Kaytagal kitang hinintay. Oo, ikaw.

Hindi naging madali ang ating pagtatagpo. Parehas tayong nagmahal ngunit sa kinasamaang palad ay nabigo.

Sinabi natin sa ating sarili na di na natin bubuksan ang ating puso sa isang nilalang na kaya tayong gawing pinakamasayang tao sa mundo, at pinakamalungot.

Mahal, sinasabi ko sayo na ngayong ika’y aking natagpuan, maaari mong asahan ang katapatan ko.

Hindi ko maipapangako na lagi tayong puno ng ngiti sa bawat araw na tayo’y magkasama; na walang bahid ng luha ang bawat segundo nating dalawa.

Hindi ako mangangako ng “kailanman” bagkus aking gagawin sa abot ng aking makakaya na panindigan ang ating napag-usapan; ang mga plano na tayo’y sabay na tatahak sa kanya-kanyang landas patungo sa ating pangarap.

Mahal, hahayaan kita na abutin ang iyong mga pangarap sabay ng pagtulak ko sa iyo upang makamit mo ang mga ito.

Asahan mong hahawakan ko ang iyong kamay, at hinding-hindi ko ito bibitawan.

Sa mga araw na mahirap ka nang mahalin, pipilitin ko pa rin na piliin na mahalin ka.

Sa mga pagkakataong tila’y nakakasawa na, gagawa ako ng paraan upang ito’y mabigyan ng lunas.

Lahat ito, alam kong kaya kong gawin, basta’t iparamdam mo na andyan ka.

Simple lang naman para sa akin ang isang relasyon, mahalin mo ako, sa hirap at ginhawa. Piliin mo ako kahit na hindi na ako kapili-pili.

Asahan mong hindi ako bibitaw.

Ngunit kung dumating na ang araw na ikaw na mismo ang gustong lumaya, at sa tingin ko’y iyon ang iyong ikasasaya.

Asahan mo mahal, palalayain kita.

I wish I could tell you everything.

I wish I could be a hundred percent honest with you.

I wish I could tell you that I miss our conversations about anything under the sun.

I wish you didn’t build a wall and close everybody off.

I wish you were consistent and honest.

I wish you were ready.

I wish you didn’t put me to a test that I was not aware of.

I wish I haven’t met you so I wouldn’t be this confused and affected.

I wish I could turn back time and not have talked to you under that huge mango tree cause both of us didn’t like to drink.

I wish I just remained inside my safe cocoon and not have had myself open up to you.

I wish I could tell myself that you are nothing to me.

I wish I could unlike you.

I wish you didn’t pique my interest.

I wish we never had intellectual conversations in the first place.

I wish I’d have told you that I was sapiosexual and that you have to stay as far away as possible.

I wish when you asked me if you needed to stay away, I’d said yes.

I wish I could see your flaws.

I wish all those flaws would be enough for me to forget you and not be interested anymore.

I wish after writing about you over and over again, my feelings would also dry up.

I wish I could focus now and stop thinking about you.

I know that I can. Just give me time.

And if you happened to read this you would realize that I’m a master of hiding my feelings and lying when it comes to matters of the heart.

Yes, I’m that afraid.

Life Pledge

To be a light in this world

To give kindness to anyone I meet

To be of service to humanity

To love and be a physical manifestation of love

To understand instead of judge

To be more loving, kind, and, compassionate

To forgive myself for my shortcomings

To be okay with being imperfect

To improve every single day

To help a person in need in any way that I can

To acknowledge the pain

To change when there is a need to

To be a witness to my thoughts instead of being my thoughts

To work harder

To smile as much as possible

To be a cheerleader for others

To be passionate in my work

To recognize the significance of my existence

To realize how fleeting life is

To accept what can’t be changed

To be honest with my truth

To see things through other people’s lenses

To be joyous in small victories

To see life as a journey

To unleash my highest potential

To be in the moment

To be a vessel of a power greater than any of us

Category: poems