Girls, it’s time to stop blaming the guys.

Here is a story that happens to every girl and most of the time, is repeated over and over again. Boy meets girl. They strike up a conversation. The guy and girl suddenly felt that there was ‘something.’ They wanted to spend a lot of time together. So, they did. Late night phone calls, walks by the beach, road trips, movies, just name it. They fell in the spiral of love and in one split second, things went south. Either one of them got afraid, and took a step back.

The girl would then be confused. What happened? Is there something wrong with me? Or sometimes the other way around. The girl blames the guy. This usually happens. Then, there’s hate, harsh words, and worse, revenge.

Let me tell you why you should stop blaming either yourself or the guy.

As human beings, it is our nature to long for connection. For women, this is more obvious because we are wired to nurture and love. If you’re wondering why you are having this longing, it’s because number one: you are human, and number two: you are a woman. We were magnificently designed to love. Giving love is in our DNA.  Loving is not a mistake. It is what we were born to do.

However, since we are humans who grow up in different settings, we act because of our past conditioning. That is what screws up our capacity to love. Let me give you an example, if you grow up without a father, or with a dad who is absent in most parts of your life, you’d probably crave the love of a guy at an early age. It is a case to case basis for everyone. Our upbringing defines our longing.

Since you are wired to feel and do things based on your past experiences, if you’re not aware of it, it will affect how you behave in a relationship.

Humans have a search for wholeness. We feel empty. We think that the emptiness can be filled with material things, or a romantic relationship. For a lot of women, they think that when they find this perfect guy, everything will be okay. But it won’t. Life doesn’t work that way. You’re not supposed to put that much pressure on one guy. Your happiness is your responsibility, not anybody else’s.

Society and media shows us every day that if you will meet ‘the one’ things will be awesome. It will, at first. He will sweep you off your feet, and you will live happily ever after.

That is one big, uh oh.

The moment you assume that happiness comes from anywhere outside of you, you are up for disaster. Why? Because anything outside of you can disappear. Whether it’s money, a title, or your shoes. If it’s a guy, he can leave you anytime.

When you meet someone and it’s all so consuming, he acts as your drug. It’s like an addiction that keeps you awake at night. You can’t eat properly. You do these stupid things that you wouldn’t do if not for him. He gives you a high. But what happens to drug addicts when you take away their drug. They get withdrawal symptoms, affecting their physical and mental well-being. It is the same for some relationships. Some people sadly, end up killing themselves when a person that they attached their happiness to, leaves.

If for some reason you broke up, stop the blame. Just, stop.

There is a season for everything, even in love, winter, spring, summer, and fall exists. You have reached your autumn. It’s painful but you have to go through it. You have to feel it. Ending things doesn’t mean that your relationship or whatever you had is a failure. You learned and hopefully, he did too. After the winter, there’s always spring. Experience the cold and the dark because there is no other way but through.

Now, love yourself. It’s amazing how many things you’ll get to discover when you shift your focus to taking care of yourself.

Make yourself a priority. Stop looking for happiness. Start feeling that which has always been inside you all along, your own joy. Explore your creativity. Do the things you feel drawn to. Be pulled by your curiosity and follow it. You might just be surprised by how much beauty, love, and grace is already inside you. They just waited for you to notice that they were there all along.

Most of all, forgive yourself and accept the present, may it be good or bad. Then, act from that place of acceptance. When your cup is full, and it’s spilling with love, that’s the sign that you can give. Fill your own cup first and whatever’s overflowing that’s what you can give out. Only by that, can you be happy. You can’t give what you don’t have, so make it a priority to fill your own heart with love before giving love to anybody else.

Blaming the guy is not the answer, loving yourself is. So to the girl who’s reading this, quit the blame game and go love yourself. If you are lucky, there’s a guy who will see just how radiant and full of joy you are. And if you don’t find that guy, it’s okay, because in the end, what you have is what you exactly need, and it’s already there.

The Cure for Worry

Have you ever felt a pang of loneliness that just seem to come out of nowhere? Like, yesterday you were feeling so great. In fact you thought you could conquer the world. You felt that you’re in the flow of things. You were unstoppable. But suddenly, this wave of emotions just submerged you in an ocean of sadness. Where in the world did that come from? You might have asked yourself why you have to feel those things that you were trying so hard to get rid of.

Here’s the thing, what you felt was a necessary low vibration part of your life. Just like in the teachings of Jesus, there is a season for everything, “a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2)”And they are all essential. The plucking and dying part is needed. You do not have a choice.

You have to go through all these range of emotions because it will make you into a different but better you. There are no shortcuts or escapes from these stages in your life. If you run from it, it will go after you and manifest in negative patterns. It could be as mundane as watching too much TV or something worse like drugs and alcohol addiction. Even overthinking arises from trying to figure out the ‘why’ in your feelings. So what can you do when you are experiencing this sadness black hole?

Feel it.

Whatever you are feeling now, just feel it. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are doing what you can with what you have. You are showing up even when it is the last thing that you want to do.

You got out of bed. You took a bath, brushed your teeth. You showed up! Isn’t that what’s important? Showing up even when it’s so hard to do it. Be proud of yourself for showing up.

One good example of this is when you’re out of money or in tons of debt. Instead of thinking that you are doomed and fueling all these negative energy, just breathe. recognize even the coins that you have, appreciate them. Thank God or whatever higher power you believe in with what you’ve got. Money flows. Money is a tool but it’s not everything. Make peace with money. Be kind to your heart. Be glad that you are in this world doing something. This attitude will bring you joy. And when there is joy, abundance follows. Just try it and see.

Try to remember those people you’ve helped. Back-read their messages and let it sink in you that there’s something in you that only you have that in a way has changed these people. Say to yourself that today, in any way that you can, you are going to be that light.

When you’re feeling helpless, help someone. Right at this moment maybe, you just wanna get inside your cave and curl up, and hide from everything. But that’s not you anymore. You are resilient. No matter what’s thrown at you, you will always find your way back to that place of joy, love, and ease.

Stop worrying about money or being alone. Start appreciating whatever is in your purse and bank account. Wow! ____ dollars. Amazing! Money flows. So you need not worry. You are going to manifest money in ways that you can’t even imagine. Stop moping. The world needs your sparkle.

Remember, it’s okay to mope, just try not staying in sadness island for a long time. Honor what you feel. Accept who you are wholeheartedly. Accept that you couldn’t do your workout today. Accept that you can’t finish all your workload all at once. You are hustling with all you’ve got. Give yourself a break. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

All you have to care about right now is this moment. As you are sitting in your office or taking care of your kids or whatever you’re doing, visualize how this day is gonna be like. Again, visualize, not make expectations. If something that is not in your vision happens, it’s alright. You are fine sweetie. You always find a way. The universe has your back. It is not working against you. The universe is for you.

Is that a smile? Nice. See? Just breathe and relax. You are here to experience life, not to run a race. Say it aloud: I AM NOT IN A RACE. Just do things one step at a time and stop comparing. Right now you’re breathing and your heart is beating and there is nothing more important than that.

To the girl who’s tired of it all

I know that you want to help other people so much. You have a big heart that wants to take care of everyone . But you can’t. you are doing your best with what you have. You are doing great despite the shit sandwich thrown at you. You are okay. It’s still good. You’re still breathing. You have food on your plate, a job that you love, friends that support you, and a lot more. I know that it can be tiring. I know that sometimes you just wish you were born in different circumstances, that the responsibilities are not this heavy, that life isn’t this hard. I know that sometimes you’re tired of it all.

 But it’s okay.

 It’s okay to cry. It’s normal to be exhausted. Life is not meant to be perfect. Life is meant to be experienced. Let go of control and expectations. You’ve known at a young age that things cannot be controlled. No matter how much you plan out everything and prevent shitty things from happening, shit still happens. And it’s okay.

 You are still breathing. Your heart is still beating. And when those two are intact, then you have more than enough to be thankful for. It is not a problem, it is just a situation. Think of now. Think of this moment. It’s all you’ve got, the now.

 Embrace your life. Accept the present. Work and love. Breathe.You’re awesome.

 Love,
Katey

A Control Freak’s Guide to Freedom

You want everything to be organized, and any outcome should be expected. The inevitable is a horror story for you and you just don’t want anything that you haven’t foreseen to happen. Sounds familiar? Don’t worry, you’re not crazy. In fact you can do something about your control freak tendencies. I don’t wanna go about why it’s wrong to be a control freak, you know that already. I wanna share some tips to release that neurotic creature inside your head and use that mental energy for a more maningful purpose.

  1. Awareness

First, you have to be aware that you are a manipulative person. I know, this sucks. But if you’re going to be defensive about it, then it’s gonna be really hard to change that mental pattern. Believe me. (I’ve been there.) Write it out or admit it to someone. Say, “I am a control freak.” Do this in a non-judgmental way. Don’t beat yourself up for admitting that you are a controlling person.

2. Be kind to yourself.

Everybody has a dark side. Some people are selfish or rude but that doesn’t mean that it has to be that way all the time. In your case, you end up micromanaging everything because you want a perfect outcome. However, that attitude is bound to destroy you. So just be kind to yourself. If there are shortcomings in your work, just say, “screw it, I’m human I make mistakes.” Tell that overthinking neurotic creature this words, “Hey there neurotic friend, I am going on a journey towards happiness and you can go with me, but please know that you can join me, but your suggestions are not welcome.”

3. Go through your issue not over or under.

There are lots of things available to escape vulnerability. Some people with control issues escape this by smoking, drinking alcohol, or for parents, controlling the lives of their kids. As a millennial, I know how bad that could be. Just imagine how controlling most parents are in the Philippines, some of them want to brood their kid until they have families. Being controlling doesn’t just affect you, it affects the people around you.  The trick here is when you’re aware, talk to yourself, “okay, I see that you are doing that puppeteer thing again, let go. Let go.” Then breathe in and out. It will do wonders in your life, when you learn to go through your issue instead of escaping it through unhealthy practices.

4. Get a mentor.

A mentor can be a friend who you think has it all together. Be honest. Tell your problem and maybe that person can help. You’ll never know unless you ask.  Your mentor can be a famous person (hello mommy Oprah!) or maybe your next door neighbor. Your mentor doesn’t have to know you. Learn from their wisdom and apply it in your life. My mentors are the following people, you can watch them on YouTube or buy their books:

  • Peak performance: Tony Robbins
  • Spirituality: Micheal Bernard Beckwith
  • Healing: Gabby Bernstein
  • Business: Marie Forleo
  • Creativity: Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Life: Oprah Winfrey

I also consider my dad as my best mentor. He just has this foresight. So it can be anyone. All of these mentors are so great and they have the biggest of hearts that whatever they say just resonates.

Information is everywhere so go and grab it.

5. Create

Using parts of your brain other than the frontal lobe (for problem solving shiz) will help you release control. Do something just because it opens your creative floodgates. Not because of the money, or the outcome or praise. Just do anything for no reason. Do it  just because you want to. There’s no agenda needed. It will take that boulder off your shoulder.

6. “Celebrate the effort not the result.” – Dr. Cathy Collaut

So you’ve been working out and it seems like nothing is changing with your body, cut yourself some slack. Let the need for a Gigi Hadid body go. If you’re doing things because of the satisfaction you’ll get when you’ve achieved your goal, what happens after you get there? Nothing. Emptiness. You will not have a sense of direction because you did it. You got the prize. Celebrate every effort you gave. Be happy with the amount of effort that you never thought you could put into a project. Notice how the project is changing you. Those tiny moments, they’re the ones worth keeping. It’s not the result. Never.

7. Meditate

Being centered is the key to releasing a controlling behavior. When you catch yourself being all edgy and too bossy go the bathroom, spend 5 minutes to reconnect with your true self. You are not the thinker, you are the watcher of your thoughts (Eckhart Tolle). Watch it and lovingly acknowledge it. Stay in stillness for 5 minutes.. Breathe and hustle again, but this time, you have a clarity of who you really are.