grief – Slow living MD

The north star gave a visit

When I am at a turning point in my life, I would always go to to my father for advice. Should I do this or that? What would my next step be? How do I deal with this challenging situation? That is probably one of the things that I mostly missed about him. He was just the light that guided me. He wouldn’t exactly tell me what to do but he just says something that makes me look at any situation differently, and then I would be able to decide firmly, without any second thoughts.

Last night, I dreamt of him. He visited us, his four daughters. In the dream we transferred to a new apartment near a river, as usual my dreams of him would have a green colored element. The apartment we moved into was green.

In the dream, it all felt so real, as if no time has passed, though I knew deep down that it was just a visit. I knew that he was just wondering how we were, the usual him, making sure that everything was set whenever we have to move in a new dorm or apartment.

I needed that dream. Even though it was probably my subconscious that was being put into awareness while I was sleeping, I like to believe that Papa’s soul was visiting. If he was alive, I know that he would do that for sure. Again, as much as I want that dream to be real, when my alarm rang, I went back to reality.

In his honor, I will live a life that he would be proud of. I miss him, but all this pain, I shall keep on transforming into something beautiful. Thank you Papa for the visit.

On days when the north star is remembered

It still is painful for me to write about you, because you are the most important person in my life. How I wish I could share all the good things happening right now. How I wish you are physically here to enjoy the fruits of your labor. I miss you. We miss you. But I know that you lived a life well lived. We are and we will keep on living.

As your fourth death anniversary approaches, I keep on remembering you more and more. But most of all, I realize more and more how lucky we are to have you as our father. Your laughs and dad jokes are missed, but I live everyday in celebration of how well I was raised by a man like you.

I love you so much Pa. Thank you for everything.

My Sun

Yours was the sunset that brought me to my knees,
but you are and always will be, my sunrise.

Whenever I remember the 17th of May,
The scar stings, a stare of loneliness surfaces,
I’m taken back to that unthinkable day.
A life without you never crossed my mind,
How I managed to live,
An answer I can never find.

It took every ounce of energy my cells could generate,
To breathe and live in a nightmare, in a body that I didn’t wish to live in.
I couldn’t just erase you, I couldn’t unfeel the pain.
That would mean denying all the love you unselfishly gave,
I woke up in tears, I denied reality,
I numbed, I was so scared.

You were the pillar of my identity, my safety blanket, my confidence.
My number one fan and believer.
But why did my sun set so quickly, why didn’t God make him stay?
I couldn’t live. I couldn’t breathe.
A world without you has never occured in my mind.
Where are you now, my sun? I badly want to feel your warmth, one last time.

I want you to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
That this will pass, that I can still be happy,
Even if you are not there, even just to annoy me for one day.
I miss you still, I love you so,
I will try to live,
Even though everyday, my climb is still uphill.

With every sunrise, it became a little bit easier.
I kept on breathing, I asked myself what would you say?
What would my hero tell me?
What would he want me to do?
So I continued to walk with small steps, sometimes in strides,
Whatever I manage, that’s okay.

It has been a year, since that sunset,
It still haunts me like a terrifying dream,
But I thrived even in the darkest times,
Sometimes I hid, sometimes I faced the sadness.
It’s okay.We can face it.
We will be alright in time.

I learned that I’m not alone,
I can feel your heart beat right next to mine.
You are still whispering that, “You can do it.”
Whenever I want to break down, an invisible force pushes me,
To take one more step, to be bold and brave,
And watch the sun rise.

We were riding on your red motorcycle,
We were talking about our dreams and your stories about life.
I saw the sun. I saw you, my sun.
Forever etched in my heart.
Yours was the sunset that brought me to my knees,
But you are and always will be, my sunrise.