Mahal mo ba ako?

Mahal kita
Ang sarap pakinggan.
Tila isang huni na kahit paulit-ulit kong marinig ay hindi kumukupas ang tamis sa tuwing iyong sasambitin
Ang tagal kong pinangarap na marinig ang dalawang salitang labis na kasiyahan ang dala sa aking puso.
Ngunit sapat na ba ang sabihing mahal kita?
Sa una ay napakasayang isipin na may taong nagsabi sayo na mahal ka niya
Ngunit kung hindi ko ito maramdaman, ano pa ba ang silbi ng mahal kita?
Ipinagsisigawan mo sa buong mundo na mahal mo ako ngunit bakit tuwing tayong dalawa na lang ang magkasama tila tayo’y nasa magkabilang dulo ng mundo?
Na parang pakitang tao lang ang mga yakap, halik, akbay at ngiti
Kung sasabihin mong mahal mo ko gawin mo, ipakita mo
Kasi mas gugustuhin ko pang ang pag-ibig natin ay tahimik, at isang sikreto basta’t alam ko na mahal kita at mahal mo rin ako.
Hindi ko kailangan na palibutan ng rosas o bigyan ng maraming tsokolate
Hindi ko hinihiling na ipagyabang mo ako sa fb, twitter o Instagram
Hindi ko kailangan ang mga text na halos langgamin sa tamis oh maraming I love you
Ang kailangan ko ay yung nandiyan ka sa panahon na nahihirapan ako
Kapag pagod na ako, oh nawawalan ng pag-asa at tila hindi na makabangon
Kapag minsan nawawalan na ako ng tiwala sa sarili ko
Kapag gusto ko nang bumitaw kailangan ko nang kakapit at yayakapin ako
Ngayon, mahal mo pa rin ba ako?
Sumagot ka.
Kaya mo bang panindigan ang mga salitang ito?

Secret

Ours was a story no one ever knew.

You were just getting out of a relationship, and I was there. I was the shoulder you leaned on and the best friend you needed. I was the cool friend.

But we changed. You would put your arm around me and say things that were quite different from how we usually talked. We would walk every night, you’d smoke and i’d listen and talk.

The nights were never enough for us to babble about everything, from science, politics, religion, music, and a lot more. We just clicked. It seemed like for the first time in my life, someone understands the things I’m interested in. It was like we’ve known each other for a long time.

You gave me books, and we would watch movies, eat street food, drink beer, and spend hours on the  phone. I guess that was one of the highest highs I’ve ever felt in my life.

But your phone calls became less often. You became rude and insensitive. You were the first guy who made me cry. You accused me of a lot of things. It was just too hurtful.

You were my secret, my bestfriend, probably, my first love. You were my first heartbreak.

When I learned about how you lied to your girlfriend, and told her that I was the one making the first move, it hurt a lot. Suddenly I was the bad guy.

You told me you broke up. You called every night. You would knock on my door and ask me to watch a movie with you. You gave me books, talked to me for hours. How was I supposed  to “not fall”?

There was no escaping your spell. I was trapped, and I fell. So thank you, you played me well.

I’m sorry if I’m not as good a player as you are. I’m sorry if I don’t go around playing with other’s feelings. I’m sorry for putting my heart on my sleeve. I’m sorry for believing that you are a good person.

But thank you, for teaching me one of the most important lessons in life. Now I know the kind of love that I deserve. I will know that when a guy like you comes in my life, I’d be smart enough to walk away. I now know what I truly need.

I decided to delete you in my life. I’ve deleted you on my phone and Facebook. I put all your stuff in a box and left it in the Philippines. All our pictures were deleted. It’s as if I haven’t met you in the first place.

I have moved on. The thought of you actually makes me laugh at myself. I’m now realizing that no matter how intelligent a person is, there’s no way they can be smart in love.

What if I bumped into you someday? I’ll just smile and walk straight ahead. I can do that. You made me a stronger girl.

The Next Time will be Different

Since I’m crushing on someone right now, I have to give myself a few reminders to prevent any casualties with matters of the heart. This is to prevent tanga (dumb) moments and shedding tears that I don’t deserve.

  1. If a guy gives you butterflies in your stomach, run to the opposite direction.
  2. If he’s a happy go lucky, and no direction type, run to the opposite direction.
  3. If he smokes or drinks, run to the opposite direction.
  4. If he has a past of hurting girls, run to the opposite direction.
  5. If he can’t let another person other than himself win an argument, run to the opposite direction.
  6. If he makes promises and doesn’t live to his word, run to the opposite direction.
  7. If he is not a gentleman, run to the opposite direction.
  8. If he has a negative outlook in life, run to the opposite direction.
  9. If he lies, run to the opposite direction.
  10. If he is selfish, run to the opposite direction.

But,

  1. If he makes time just to meet you, run to his direction.
  2. If he shows you off to the whole world, run to his direction.
  3. If he is honest and pure, run to his direction.
  4. If he makes small efforts just to make your day a little bit better, run to his direction.
  5. If he shows interest in knowing you, run to his direction.
  6. If he respects your choices and values, run to his direction.
  7. If he can swallow his pride for you, run to his direction.
  8. If he apologizes for his mistake, run to his direction.
  9. If he loves your family and all the things you care about, run to his direction.
  10. If he is loyal, run to his direction.

We all deserve to be with a good person. He doesn’t need to be perfect. He just has to be worth it. Unless he got a perfect score, don’t settle.

Bold Steps

A few days ago I was on my first school visit. I got a job at a government school somewhere in Thailand. It was six hours away from Bangkok. Honestly, I was so nervous and afraid. Number one, I do not know how to go to the place. Number two, I have been an advocate of thinking about the worst case scenario.

So, I braced myself for the worst. I kept on praying “please, please, please God if I just get through this day I know I can do anything.” It turns out my employer was a very nice person, she drove us all the way to the school, and the people in the school were warm and friendly. I also met a fellow Filipina who was also hired as a math teacher, we decided to be roommates for cost cutting purposes and instantly clicked.

Overall, the school was nice, our apartment was really beautiful, and I got home safe. I unexpectedly spent the night at a hotel (which was really a nice one) and I explored almost the southeast part of Thailand. The food was also great.

Five years ago i never would have thought that I’d be working overseas, exploring, and just collecting adventures. I’ve been to three countries for the past two months. I have interacted with people from different parts of the globe.

There are still many adventures that I’ll be embarking on and I know for a fact that I did not make the wrong decision. I am absolutely happy, even though I’m far from my friends and practically far from everything that made me happy. But I will never regret the risk I’ve taken because I’ve figured out that there are only things that you can learn by getting out of your safety bubble. 

If you are young and have that wanderlust in you, I urge you to take that bold step.

Get out. Live.

Guy vs Man

I was okay. I was perfect. I was happy to be by myself. I had a job, good friends, a loving family, and most of all I have accepted who I am. I’ve learned to love how i look, to give myself a pat in the back, and to believe in myself. I was happy being me.

It’s funny how a disturbance caught me off guard. The contented me, the happy me suddenly met a person that changed everything. Suddenly I wanted more from my life. I felt incomplete whenever I didn’t see you or haven’t talked to you. It was, to put it bluntly, irrational.

How come suddenly, you made all the oxytocin in my system go nuts? I was suddenly imagining a future, with you. I became a self conscious girl who always wondered if she looks okay. I was frustrated because I thought I didn’t look pretty enough. I even downplayed myself in front of you so that i wouldn’t sound too smart because, let’s face it, most guys don’t like a girl who’s smarter than them. I changed. I became a terrible person.

From a person who didn’t need approval from people around her, I became a cliche, an insecure girl. Especially when you chose her over me, God, it became worse. I was determined to make my revenge, by being prettier, smarter, and more succesful than ever. I knew that I was smarter, more successful, and more interesting. I was definitely more. There’s just one thing that she beat me, she was prettier and skinny.

A girl beat me because of her looks. No matter how good I was, I cannot compete with the pretty girl. I am no prom queen.

It was horrible. All the horrors of my past came back. I remembered how my parents’ friends would visit our house and call me the daughter who was fat. In Filipino, they call me, “napabayaan sa kusina.” I was the girl with the largest face in our class picture, the kid who got bullied for being fat. Being fat defined me until i decided not to let it by doing my best in school. All these years of recovery, but it only took one guy to make me feel sorry about myself.

After several months of traveling, having fun, and spending some time loving myself, I have arrived to the best realization.

If a guy makes you feel conscious, ugly, or not enough, he’s the wrong guy. If he makes you see everything that you lack, then he’s not the one. If he chooses someone over you, or if he has considers you as an option then he’s not the one. If he consumes you too much and puts a lot of drama in your life, definitely he’s not the one.

A guy can make you feel important. He can make you feel precious and loved. He can talk to you with the sweetest words, make plans for your future, and share wonderful memories. But a man is different.

A man will put action to his words. A man will make you feel good about yourself. A man will never let you feel that you’re not enough. Who you are, the good and bad will be enough for him. He will make plans with you in it and walk with you throughout the journey. A man will make mistakes but he’s man enough to admit it and say sorry. A man won’t make you feel as if you’re walking on thin ice. A man will make you feel like a Victoria’s secret supermodel even if you don’t look like one. A man will be honest, and loyal. A man will call you his only one, never an option.

That guy, was “A GUY”, one of the many guys walking on earth and hurting girls. But what I
, what every woman deserves is a “A MAN”. So if you’re reading this and think that who you’re dating is a guy, stop. If you can’t stop, see it for yourself.

A man will come. If you’re thinking of looking for a man, stop. You don’t look for a man. You wait. As the saying goes, “All things worth having are worth waiting for.”

What Being 21 Has Taught Me

Being 21 has its ups and downs. I now understand why my friends who are a year older than me were quite uncomfortable whenever I ask them the question: “How’s work?” or “What are your plans?” Honestly I thought, when I graduate I’ll have this relentless freedom, my own money, and I can buy the things that I want.

Well, I was able to have those things but not a lot of it. Figuring out what to do with your life can be a pain in the ass. If you’ve been used to planning everything and knowing where you’re headed to, you will have a mixture of happiness and disappointment. Meaningful goals after all are not that easy to achieve.

Three years ago, I was so ready with my plan, too excited for that matter. Everything was set after graduation. But the inevitable happened, and suddenly my five-year plan, ten-year plan, and other plans had to change or let’s say got postponed.

With the experiences I’ve had and am having I’ve learned how to roll with the unexpected, the inevitable, the surprises.

  1. Hope but don’t expect. Hope is good. One should always have it because when all things are gone, hope is all that remains. But, you must remember that you should not expect. Even if you did perfect in a job interview and many compliments were given to you, never expect that you’ll get the job. Hope for the best but be ready if ever things don’t turn out well.
  2. Let go of what can’t be changed. It may be an outcome that you have no control over or a love story that went downhill. Here’s the thing: you don’t have to put up with anyone or anything that is dragging you down. Always ask yourself if what you’re doing is worth it. Is this sacrifice worth it? Is this friendship worth it? If it is (logically) by all means, fight for it. But if it’s putting more sorrow than happiness, well let it go.
  3. One step at a time. Well, we all have plans for a better future. Like have a decent job, a car, a house, help your family etc. In order to get those things we have to work hard for it. However, if you always look at that vision, and plot this rigid timeline, you may get too uptight. You may stop looking at how awesome the present is because all you can think about is, “I want to get there.” And you get overwhelmed when things don’t go according to your plan. Here’s the thing, those goals will eventually be attained, but as of now, all you can do is be focused with the present. Stop being so anxious about the future, take things slow. Just think about today. Ask yourself this question: “What good can i do today?” As long as you’re taking baby steps, those good work you’ve collected will pile up and one day you’ll wake up with that dream you’ve had. Breathe, think about today.
  4. Accept. Whatever situation you’re in, good or bad, accept it. Stop resisting, stop complaining. If you can change it, try. But if it doesn’t, screw it, accept it. Take the next step forward.
  5. Love. Always find a place for love. Value the people around you. Appreciate whatever you have now. Gratitude is the first step to love. If you change your perspective, and just be grateful, you’ll feel that peace. You are open-minded, headstrong, and at ease. You’ll find it easy to love what you are doing. If you do things for love, then, all is well.

Those are the lessons I’ve learned in my path to #Adulthood. I admit, I’ve learned them in hard ways, by making mistakes and through experience. You can only learn them definitely by experience. I haven’t perfected the art of hope, letting go, taking baby steps, acceptance, and love. I don’t plan to be a perfect human being. The best that I can do is try to be better than I was yesterday. I’m just happy that I have learned. All these lessons are going to be useful through the path that I’m headed to.

It’s good to have a plan, but even if a plan doesn’t work there’s always something better coming. Always.

Dreams and Failures

We’ve been made to believe that we are born to do something great. The human potential can never be limited. We can achieve great heights, that possibilities are endless. This world offers opportunities that we can hop on and poof we’re successful. Everyone around you tells you you can do it.

If you’re someone who’s been used to achievement at a young age, you very well know that you have a tendency to set the bar high for yourself. You set goals, and you’re used to achieving them.You may have achieved a lot, but what if the so called life happens? Can your intellect still prepare you for the inevitable? Did your books teach you how to cope with life?

When you’ve got no answers to the questions such as “Why did this happen to me?”, that’s when everything starts to fall apart. The innocence of that child in you disappears or hides. Suddenly, you’re not this brave person anymore. The more you fail, the more you beat yourself up. Life looks like a big joke for you especially if you’re used to external affirmation.

But, these things that you’ve been through, make you strong. It changes your perspective. You had a tunnel vision before and suddenly here’s a new you seeing things in a different point of view. Yes, at first you’ll get angry, you might even look for people, things, and circumstances to blame. But when you get through that tough place, you become invincible. No one can put you down, and for the first time in your life, you feel that nothing is impossible.

How do you get back up? First, feel the emotion, cry for heaven’s sake. Express what you are feeling in whatever form you want to. If you hide what you’re feeling, it gets worse and worse. All the devils in your head will exponentially reproduce and the hole will just dig deeper. Tell someone your frustrations. Then, after expressing it, baby steps, start.

Start fresh. Start with the lessons from your past. Recovery has no timetable. Take your time, do what makes you happy and try to be happy gradually. Some days you will fail but at the end of it all, you’ll see that it’s worth it. After that long recovery process, you would have developed confidence.

Feel, recover, and exude confidence.

There is no guarantee that things will be alright. Bad things will happen definitely, but it’s up to you if you will let circumstances beat you. This cycle goes on, you get happy then sad, then happy again. It’s a never ending cycle. If others have been able to achieve their goals against the odds, so can you.