October 2, 2019
I would often tell myself that I am not good enough, period. You know that I have a low self-esteem. I could tell you all the back story but sometimes being hypercritical to yourself gives you so much unecessary pain. I still ask myself if I deserve to be where I am now. Medschool has been really hard for me. I do have strengths, but somehow the negativity still creeps in sometimes. I am a fan of rising, but being human makes me prone to burnout.
I still find it hard to look for the courage to face the future now that my Dad’s gone. My messy relatives aren’t helping. My mom wants to get my Dad’s money yada yada. I mean, how dare her after everything they’ve put my Dad through.
I have a lot on my plate right now, an overwhelming academic life, a toxic mom, and health issues. How I wish the circumstances were different, but this is it. This is the chaos.
These confusions are here but I remind myself of the brave and smart girl that my dad has raised. I have loving sisters, a baby brother, and a step mom. I have my two bestfriends who are my rock. I have medschool friends who make this journey bearable. I still have a lot to thank for.
Little by little, I’ll rise. I will keep on doing meaningful work and learn medicine to the best of my abilities. I may be in the middle of the storm but this, shall pass.
One day Kate, you will just look back to this nightmare and just be proud of how far you’ve come.