I worked hard to be a better person. My trip to Thailand so far was the best thing I’ve ever done to change what needs to be changed. The challenge was can I still be that person if I go back home.
It was easier to be more kind and manage your emotions when you only have a few people to interact with. Suddenly I found myself lost again although not too much. I was overwhelmed with the people around me. I was so used to being alone that when too many people came back to my life, I froze.
Family surrounded me. Friends were present here and there. New people, new work, a handful of opportunities came. It was so overwhelming. I didn’t know what to feel anymore.
Does it make sense? It’s a paradox. You dreamed of being surrounded by loving people again and then when it’s there, you still feel empty. Maybe I should just blame my hormones or my stubbornness in my spiritual practice. Or maybe I should just stop feeling at all. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to go back to my old loathing self, overly competitive and type A personality. It was just too tiring and too dead inside.
Be that as it may, I am having a hard time this days. I see more of my losses than my wins. Work has been quite hard. There’s this guy who showed interest only to disappear when I was growing feelings. I didn’t make it to the cut-off for my medschool admission test. Over-all I’m too disappointed with myself.
But of course I am trying to get up and be more brave. Even if waking up and going to work is the last thing that I want to do, I still am dragging myself with the hope that I’ll feel better in time. I kept on reminding myself that this is just a phase.
I’m still braving. I’m still hopeful. I might be crawling my way out of this dark tunnel but I am slowly getting there.
One thought on “Braving”
Being around family can be so difficult. These are the people who know how to push all your buttons simultaneously while making it look like you’ve gone mad.
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