I worked hard to be a better person. My trip to Thailand so far was the best thing I’ve ever done to change what needs to be changed. The challenge was can I still be that person if I go back home.
It was easier to be more kind and manage your emotions when you only have a few people to interact with. Suddenly I found myself lost again although not too much. I was overwhelmed with the people around me. I was so used to being alone that when too many people came back to my life, I froze.
Family surrounded me. Friends were present here and there. New people, new work, a handful of opportunities came. It was so overwhelming. I didn’t know what to feel anymore.
Does it make sense? It’s a paradox. You dreamed of being surrounded by loving people again and then when it’s there, you still feel empty. Maybe I should just blame my hormones or my stubbornness in my spiritual practice. Or maybe I should just stop feeling at all. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to go back to my old loathing self, overly competitive and type A personality. It was just too tiring and too dead inside.
Be that as it may, I am having a hard time this days. I see more of my losses than my wins. Work has been quite hard. There’s this guy who showed interest only to disappear when I was growing feelings. I didn’t make it to the cut-off for my medschool admission test. Over-all I’m too disappointed with myself.
But of course I am trying to get up and be more brave. Even if waking up and going to work is the last thing that I want to do, I still am dragging myself with the hope that I’ll feel better in time. I kept on reminding myself that this is just a phase.
I’m still braving. I’m still hopeful. I might be crawling my way out of this dark tunnel but I am slowly getting there.