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When the Heartaches Make Sense

Once upon a time, a girl dreamed of healing people. She wanted it so bad and did everything she can with whatever she has to make that dream happen.

Sadly, life happened and the dream of attaching two letters at the end of her surname sounded impossible. She accepted that if it’s for her, it will happen. Though at that moment, everything around her sent one message, “No, this isn’t for you.”

She listened to the signs and messages. She accepted that she was probably one of those people who had a dream carved in her heart, did everything to make it come true, but ended up doing what was needed of her instead of what her heart desired. She said, “Alright fate, it hurts that the one thing that pulled me to wake up in the morning is not happening.”

She surrendered.

I was an atheist. I could probably be one of the most pragmatic person you will ever meet a year ago. One could even say, “Katey, please grow a heart.” I never believed in fate or whatsoever external force that guides you to your path. Oh please, not me.

I used to think that hard-work is the sole key to success. If I work hard enough and give it my 101% things would work out according to how I want it to happen. The world was my oyster, and I was there to play the field. I was a beast, determined to wrestle with challenges and smack it on the face, and say, “Bring it on because this girl can do it all.”

And the world really gave its all. Until I found myself picking up the pieces of my so-called armor of courage, or of arrogance the way I see it now. I was broken. I became so afraid of what viand is going to be served again. Can I still handle it?

No, not anymore. I couldn’t take any more of it. I give up.

“I give up.” Those three words that I never thought I would utter, but I did, repeatedly. I beat myself up for being a failure, for always coming short of what I expected of myself, for being a coward. It was all a bluff. I wasn’t brave after all. I was the worst. I look at the mirror and all I saw was someone who was weak. I’m not even worth an ounce of love.

I felt that, longer than I should have.

But, slowly, I crawled out of that hell hole. It wasn’t easy though. Especially when you’re all alone in a foreign land. It’s scary to fight your demons when you decide to move to another country with people who barely speaks your language. I had to learn how to find my way without losing the little sanity that I still had.

I started with saying “Thank you,” the moment I wake up. I began running again, going out with friends, and writing. Sometimes too much human interaction still overwhelmed me, those days I still hid from the world. I didn’t know the exact day when I felt totally okay. I just realized one day, that I was smiling again, the kind of smile that stayed. It wasn’t an all for show smile. I was happy.

It’s okay that I will not be Dr. Katey anymore. I am fine with who I was and looking forward to the person that I was going to become. When I was okay, I decided to go back home and do the work that I was set to do, whatever mission that was.

I started working in the BPO industry. I applied because originally, I planned on taking a master’s degree in environmental science. I would need a day job that would put food on the plate and finance my youngest sibling’s studies. I needed also a job that unlike teaching, would not require so much mental energy when I get home since I was going to apply to graduate school.

When you have a plan, it’s funny how one phone call can change your life.

I was about to prepare for work when my dad called me. It was the usual dad jokes and checking up on me phone call. But then, he called because someone volunteered to pay for my medical school tuition fee.

“Papa, is this a joke?” I mockingly said.

“No, this is real. Do you still want to do it?”

Without a second of doubt, “Hell yeah!”

Sometimes I still pinch myself. Is this fucking real? I even get scared when I’m reviewing for NMAT. What if this gets taken away from me? But even if I’m scared, I’ll still move forward.

I believed that someday, my dream for my myself and my country will come true. I gave up the MD dream. A week before the news, my good friend L asked me, “So Katey what’s the plan?”

“To tell you the truth L, I don’t know anymore. I would probably go to Law School or push through with master’s. I’ll just go with the flow. But if someone would give me a million pesos, it would still be medschool.”

A week after that conversation, I didn’t actually get a million, but I got so much more.

To you reader, don’t give up on your dreams. You never know what’s ahead.

Love,

Katey (Future MD)

P.S. I will be posting more about the MD Journey from now on.

By Katey

Hi, I'm Katey, a medical student, writer, teacher, and biologist. This is where I write the lessons that I've learned during my adventures. Hit follow to get my latest tips, life updates, and even poetry. If you want to live a life with passion and purpose then you have come to the right place. Keep on shining.

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