I would often clam up at the moment of truth. I always say that I value honesty over a sweet lie. Truth is not something that we can expect from everyone. I myself am guilty of this sometimes, I mean most of the time.
And so here I am facing my laptop, trying to be as honest as I can at least to myself. I have been in a slump lately. Things and people are changing and as usual, I find it hard to keep up.
I remember last year how confused I was around this time. I was trying to heal and I was able to do so. I remembered how I did it and there’s just one constant thing that saved me. It is writing.
I would probably be pouring my heart out again for the next couple of days, weeks, or months, no matter how long it takes, to find my clarity again; to be centered again. I still am threading the path of being more present in every moment. I am in the process of transforming into a more resilient person, more accepting of the circumstances rather than being resistant.
I think where I fell is in my belief that every person is love-able. I gave too much of myself again, and in the end, it can’t be reciprocated. I put a person on a pedestal. So I had high expectations and was fazed with all the nice gestures and kindness. I forgot that just like any gadget, I also, am dispensable to someone else.
I enjoyed the attention, the feeling of someone always giving the time to bother you almost every waking hour. I missed the feeling of being special, because it’s been a long time since I let my walls down for anyone. Because, I hardened my heart for some reason.
Maybe it wasn’t you. Maybe it was just the feeling that I missed. And you were there. Sadly, I unconsciously got trapped. Here I am writing my heart out again, hoping that when the words flow out, you too will. I am not going to numb my heart, the way I did before. I’ll just feel it and write about it. I’ll be damned if you read this but whatever, at least I get to have the courage in an online space that would probably go unnoticed.
So how do I become honest to you? I don’t know. I will never know if I ever will be. I just think that after a year, this won’t even matter to me anymore, even though at the moment, it does.
Next year, I would probably be sitting in front of my laptop, laughing at how ridiculous I was, how funny our hearts could act, and how foolish we can be. But that thought gives me peace. In fact, I am looking forward to that day when this would all sound like a joke.
Oh yeah, I don’t know if I should give you my birthday gift. Should I? Fuck it. You’d forget about me anyway. Might as well be dumb and give it to you.
kate samaniego 