I’ve learned to revel in the uncertainty.
Uncertainty sucks. Waiting sucks. Things not going according to your plan sucks. If there’s one thing i was totally uncomfortable with, it is the ‘not knowing’ part of everything.
As a kid, I’ve always had an umbrella in my backpack. I’d always have a bottle of water, cologne, a towel,and spare money. I am always ready for emergencies. I even had band aids and alcohol ‘just in case’ something happens. When it’s my first time to go to a certain place, i would bring a sweater in case the room’s too cold, or a fan if ever it’s scorching hot. I was miss ‘always prepared. If there’s any unforeseen event, like a fire or earthquake, I’d know what to do , I’d have probably looked for the fire exit the minute i got inside a building.
Yeah, I’m neurotic like that because I don’t want to be in a place where I’ll say, “God, I didn’t see that coming.”
I was like that. But lately, I’ve been starting to love the art of not knowing.
Being a perfectionist worked for the first few years of my life. Of course when I was in grade school, I’d always know that my dad’s gonna pick me up at school and that we’ve always had food on our table. Everything was stable around me, it was the phase in my life that I can really say that life was good. There are no problems when you’re a kid. I can easily get a perfect score in my exams because it was the only thing i was worrying about at the time. I don’t have any other concerns.
However, as I grew up I started to see the world as it really is. When you understand how stuff really works, that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows, you can’t predict how you respond. I for one can’t deal with things not being perfect, like how my parents fought all the time and eventually separated. My mind couldn’t process that we’d have to live in my grandmother’s house, or grandfather’s house and not have a house anymore. I had to accept that the future that I imagined was not possible anymore.
I had to deal with all the uncertainties. I had to accept that I don’t have a ‘sure’ source of allowance for the following day. I had to accept that medschool was not going to be a priority first or that it might not happen anymore. I had to accept that school’s not the only thing that I should be thinking about.
I had to think about my siblings first before making the next move in my career. I had to think about everybody else first. I had to be okay with working at a job that pays well even if it’s not really my number one passion. But, hey, that’s life. It is full of surprises.
I went overseas for my family. I’ve now realized that they are my life, and my source of strength. Being a perfectionist was cool at that time. It molded me to a strong and confident woman who knows what she wants and will do everything to achieve a goal. But I can’t be a perfectionist anymore. This world has no room for perfectionism.
The more I expect everything to be perfect, the smaller my world became. Disappointment dragged me down and I fell into a depressed state to the point that I don’t want to move anymore. My mentality was “what’s the point of trying if this world doesn’t give a fuck about me anyway?”
However, living in a foreign land changed all that. I became more receptive to change. I became more patient and willing to accept life as it is. Yes, I will always opt for something more but I’m okay with okay. I’ll continue to be open minded no matter what. And right now, I’m reveling in my new found freedom. I have found courage that I never thought I could have. I have learned how to live by loving myself and not by what other people expect from me. I am now okay with letting go of things and people that drag me down.
Everyday I wake up, I can’t help but be thankful with the uncertainties on my plate.